The Soapbox: How To Talk To Girls

Dear Gentlemen Of The World:

Hello. My name is Sara Benincasa. Pleased to meet you. I’m an author and a comedian and a human with a vagina, otherwise known as a “lady-person.” I’m about to school you in exactly how to tell a stranger lady that she is great. I’m also going to teach you how not to talk to girls you don’t know.

But first, I’d like to tell you a story. I know, women be talking, am I right? But seriously guys, listen up, for I have knowledge to share. Useful knowledge. Think of my words as tools, and your brain as a box in which to place said tools, and a mutually satisfying encounter as the project you are building with these tools.

Okay then. On to the story.

So this Canadian comedian, Christina Walkinshaw, is onstage at a club with the terrible and unfortunate name Yuk-Yuk’s located in some mysterious institution known as Casino Niagara. And some guys in the audience start yelling, “SHOW US YOUR TITS!” She gets a bit annoyed, but since the club management tells all its comics not to get into arguments with the audience, she just keeps going with the jokes. Apparently confused by her refusal to show her tits, the guys up the ante with “SHOW US YOUR BUSH!” She does not, in fact, reveal her mons pubis to them, which prompts them to continue heckling throughout her 20-minute set. When she gets offstage, she complains to a female staff member about the incident and is told, “Oh! Sorry! We thought you liked it.” A few weeks later, she finds out she is banned from performing at the club, presumably because she called out a staff member for not unleashing the bouncers on these douchebags (remember, she had been forbidden from engaging with hecklers, and this was a paying gig).

Now, it sucks that Christina was punished for speaking up, and it sucks that she lost out on future bookings and paychecks, but that’s a separate conversation. I bring up her story simply because it serves to illustrate an example of exactly the type of behavior that will not result in your having good (possibly even sexual!) relations with a female person. Acting in this manner simply makes women hate you, and while that reaction may give you a weird, sadistic, latent homosexual frat-boy boner, it will not do much for your sex life (unless you only fuck dudes).

Here, then, are some rules for how to speak to ladies with whom you are unacquainted.

  1. Do not bother a stranger with requests to see her private parts, especially when she is working. While Chastity at the Big Cans Club might logically be expected to show you her tits upon request, as might a sex worker at the Motel 6, these are the only exceptions to this rule. In all other cases, you are to refrain from asking a stranger if you can see her naked bits. You are most certainly forbidden to demand that she show them to you. This law remains valid even if it makes your penis hard to think about her naked. I know it seems unfair, but we all must make certain compromises in order to dwell in a civil society.
  2. If a person is onstage giving a speech or a performance, shut the fuck up even if the person is a girl. Put on your thinking cap and your listening ears. It is not your turn to speak.
  3. Do feel free to say hello after the show/on the street/in line for beer. You’d be amazed at how much farther you get with a simple “hi” than “Damn, bitch, you got a juicy ass!”
  4. Do not be afraid to compliment a woman on non-physical attributes. Wouldn’t it have been wild if, instead of screaming at Christina to show them her boobies and vag, those guys at the club had waited until after the show and then sincerely told her that she was hilarious? Or smart? Or something nice that had nothing to do with her appearance?
  5. Do maintain appropriate physical distance when engaging stranger ladies in communication of any kind. Never get up in a stranger girl’s face. This is scary and violates all kinds of personal boundaries. And don’t even think about touching us. Or, like, noticeably sniffing us. That’s just weird, bro. A good rule of thumb is to leave several thumbs’ length of space between you and the object of your interest. Like, the length of at least 15 thumbs. Fifteen long man-thumbs.

And there you have it – a short, sweet, simple beginner’s guide to talking to ladies you don’t already know. You’re welcome, sir.

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[Image of uninterested women via Shutterstock]