Today In Food Crimes: Man Arrested For Rubbing Pepperoni On His Salami — Plus A Pickle Attack!

Sometimes, when I’m deciding what to eat (or what not to eat) for lunch, I cruise for the latest food news for ideas. Last week, I told you about an uproar over lion tacos. Today, I stumbled upon some really strange food crimes. After the jump, a meat-on-meat masturbation mishap and a pickle attack! It’s all so phallic.

John Allison of Potsdam, NY was caught on video rubbing a stick of pepperoni on his exposed penis in a local grocery store. Worst part: he put the pepperoni back on the shelf. The 41-year-old was charged with public lewdness and fourth-degree criminal mischief for tainting food meant for public consumption.

I was going to eat pepperoni pizza for lunch, but I think I’ll pass. Maybe I’ll have a sub with extra toppings. I happen to like a lot of toppings on my sandwiches, unlike Tina Drouin of Massachusetts.

While riding public transportation, she stopped for a quick cheesesteak at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs, but became agitated when the sandwich was not to her liking. Perhaps she should have ordered a plain hot dog because once the Nathan’s employee broke out the toppings, she went off. Drouin began complaining the employee was “putting too much s**t” on the sandwich and shouted “other derogatory comments regarding the preparation of the steak and cheese,” police reported. She demanded a refund, and when the employee told her no, she punched her sandwich artist in the face and then threw two large jars of pickles at her, knocking her to the ground, before fleeing the scene. It wasn’t long before police tracked her down and arrested her.

Now what will have I for lunch? Hmmm…