So, you’re naturally a screamer whose partner has to put a pillow over your mouth when you’re having an orgasm. You’ve probably resented this at some point, because when you’re cumming, instead of reveling in pleasure, you’re thinking about who heard you and thought you were getting your organs harvested against your will. Your loudness might have left you envious of those quiet types who let out one tiny sigh when they cum. WTF is that all about? Maybe you’ve even fantasized about, at the very least, being a grunter because it would be better to sound like a cavewoman than a murder victim when you have sex. At least dogs wouldn’t bark every time you climax and your stupid, nosy neighbors would stop making jokes about you being a porn star. You’re just enjoying yourself and that’s what it sounds like, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH! It’s time to stop feeling shame about your natural sex noises and start seeking out situations where screamers are welcome. Here are some ideas for where you can take your loud orgasms…
1. In a room with excellent insulation. Heavy carpets and drapes absorb sound! You might even want to consider investing in a sound proof sex room. Alternately, you could always crash a recording studio or an empty gym where the insulation is bar none. Added bonus: padded walls could be fun for sexperimentation.
2. In a hotel room. You’re paying for it. Crack those mirrors. Claw those walls. Piss off the guests in the next room and don’t worry about them giving you dirty looks when you check the mail.
3. At a music festival. No one will ever hear you over the bass at Bonnaroo. Or they’ll be too high to care. So you can enjoy the show without anyone paying attention to your performance.
4. In the middle of nature. Icebergs in Antarctica are ideal because you’ll need to hump to stay warm anyway. But the woods, the desert or even a private lake also work. Watch your pitch though. You don’t want any animals to mistake your loud orgasm for a mating call.
5. On a boat. Let the crashing of the waves muffle your sounds of pleasure.
6. In your car with all the doors and windows closed. Feel free to howl with excitement at the top of your lungs. Just make sure there are no cops nearby to see you fogging up the windows.
7. In space. Someday this will be an option for you. Be prepared to scream bloody pleasure into your space helmet as long as it doesn’t affect your oxygen supply.
8. To try to impress/ piss off your neighbors. Maybe just once you should let those snooping assholes know that you’re not a porn star — you’re just way better at sex then them.
9. At Burning Man. This is the one time when you must have a loud orgasm to fit in.
10. At a massive construction site. You can’t hear any damn thing over the sound of a jackhammer. Just remember to bring your hard hat.
11. Anywhere near the airport. Think of every take off and landing as an opportunity to cum again. That makes the noise pollution so much more bearable.
[Photo from Shutterstock]