According to reports, Pete Doherty and Macaulay Culkin are now living as roommates in Paris. Culkin is effectively “home not alone.” Rachel and I have so many questions.
Me: Rachel, what do you think an average day in the Macaulay Culkin/Pete Doherty home is like? I think it goes something like this: Wake up, cigarettes, cartoons, Pete and Macaulay both spend a couple of hours trying to get their agents on the phone. Then more cigarettes. Then online poker.
Rachel: Pete plays a little guitar, puts on a ton of bracelets.
Me: Oh my, we haven’t even gotten to the part of the day where they do their hair together.
Rachel: Let us consider that Pete Doherty is the person who got kicked out of Thailand’s most hardcore rehab for “disruptive behavior.
Me: And Macaulay Culkin was the adorable whippersnapper in “Home Alone”? I know, it’s perfect.
Rachel: They became tight after making a “ketamine-inspired” movie together called “The Wrong Ferrari”.
Me: I bet they go to a book club together. Right now they’re reading The Celestine Prophecy. Sometimes they invite their friends Peaches Geldof and Frankie Muniz over for card games and snacks.
Rachel: They DEFINITELY have matching military jackets.
Me: Oh! And they sleep in a room with bunk beds! I wonder if they took a blood brother oath, and if that involved the passing of Hepatitis C between them. (Yes it did).
Rachel: How do you think they’ve decorated their room?
Me: Because obviously they live in one room together. I hope it involves a Magic Eye poster.
Rachel: You know their combined sunglasses collection is insane. Do you think they can understand each other’s mumbling? Like, they have some kind of innate ability to unscramble what the other is saying? Pete is the #1 mumbler in the game.
Me: I bet Culkin has a Doherty Dictionary.
Rachel: Where can I buy that?
Me: I will sell you my copy for an undisclosed sum.
Rachel: That’s a deal.