A new survey done by a totally biased, “traditional” mattress company found that couples who sleep on memory-foam beds are having the shittiest of shitty sex lives. Some people surveyed described sex on their memory-foam mattresses as “stuck in quicksand,” “uncomfortable,” “difficult” or even “horrible.”
Well, that sounds terribly unsexy, unless you’re into S&M. But you just can’t trust this study because the market for memory-foam beds has jumped 20 percent in the last eight years, so these traditional mattress companies — like the one who sponsored this research — don’t really have your best, sexual interests at heart.
But we do! May The Frisky bureau of consumer affairs present a fair and honest review of all the mattresses we’ve hit it on.
Contents
Serta Perfect Sleeper
Sex Rating: 10
Special Considerations: The Perfect Sleeper should be called The Perfect Sexer because it gives you just the right amount of firmness to get good leverage, with a little bit of bounce. And the soft pillow top is optimal for post-sex snuggling.
Quick Tip: Danger! This bed is very comfy, so make sure to have sex as soon as you get into bed, because it’s so easy to fall asleep before getting down to business.
Futon
Sex Rating: 4
Special Considerations: You’ll feel like you’re slumming it, which adds to the excitement. But let’s be honest, something sharp is digging into your back, that thing is dirty because no one washes their futon covers often enough and worst of all, if you fall asleep on it for a full night you’ll wake up with back problems.
Quick Tip: The rooms futons tend to be in are extremely depressing (think “Anchorman” posters and Bowflex machines), so if you keep your eyes closed during sexy times, you’ll have a better experience.
Tempur-Pedic Mattress
Sex Rating: 3
Special Considerations: We’re sorry to break it to you, but the study was right. It’s like like fucking in a quicksand pit — so good for Indiana Jones fetishists, but no one else.
Quick Tip: Fuck in any other room in the house and then sleep on your Tempur-Pedic because that thing is mad comfy.
Air Mattress
Sex Rating: 1
Special Considerations: So basically, you’re never sure if it’s going to, like, explode or something, especially if you really get going. And even if you can get past your fear of your bed popping like a giant balloon, deep thrusting will result in bruising your tailbone ON THE GROUND.
Quick Tip: If you’re getting to it on an air mattress, you’re clearly a guest somewhere. So, if you can’t wait until you get back to your own place to do it, we recommend elbow pads and wrist guards for the occasion. Safety first!
Cheap Ass Mattress
Sex Rating: 6
Special Considerations: You get great bounce–you can catch air!–but the sharp springs that are providing that bounce are a liability. Landing wrong on one of those can cause personal injury–and possibly a broken bed. But don’t worry, it won’t cost you too much to replace it since that thing was cheap. Also, cheap ass mattresses tend to be very squeaky, which can be very distracting. But it can also be weirdly hot, depending on your situation.
Quick Tip: Cover your cheap mattress with a feather bed and mattress pad to increase comfort and mask squeak.
Loft Bed
Sex Rating: 2
Special Considerations: me: You’l be scared you’re going to fall off the whole time, even if you don’t have a fear of heights. Plus, it’s not particularly sturdy, so you can never really go at it without risking a collapse. Not to mention, loft beds are incredibly childish and make you feel like you’re in a dorm room, or a bunk bed whether or not you actually are.
Quick Tip: You might as well do it on the floor because you’re probably going to fall.
Pull-Out Couch
Sex Rating: 2.5
Special Considerations: Is there any bigger cock block than that goddamn bar in your back? Oh wait, yes there is. Trying to fuck while you’re a guest in someone’s house and having to be all quiet and secretive.
Quick Tip: If you can find an appropriate moment to hit it, it’s best to fold it back up into a couch form and do it like that.
Original by The Frisky
