True Story: I Tried (And Failed) To Masturbate To The Farrah Abraham And James Deen Sex Tape

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TRUE STORY

UPDATE: I have since viewed 40+ minute scene from “Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom” and have additional thoughts!

Last night, in the name of journalism — okay, I was bored and horny — I decided to take one for the team (that would be you guys, my beloved Frisky readers) and hopped in bed to masturbate while watching the 5:12 clip from Farrah Abraham’s sex tape, “Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom.” Or, rather,  I attempted to masturbate to it. But I’ll get to that in a second…

Yesterday afternoon, I sort of half-assed watched the clip from Farrah and James’ porn and mostly felt uncomfortable because I was at work and I usually don’t like starring at unfamiliar vagina as my coworkers eat lunch around me. But I must admit, I was curious to give the video a closer looksie at home. Though I am a Manuel Ferrara loyalist, James Deen has, hands down, the best sex growl in the biz. His baby-faced boyishness makes it all the more surprising and hot when he breaks out the dirty talk and tit slapping. So, hey, a new James Deen scene to watch? Who cares if his costar is a “Teen Mom”? If she’s good enough for James Deen, she’s fine by me!

Around midnight last night, I kicked my dog Lucca out of bed and on to the couch (nothing distracts from a good solo sex sesh like a puppy trying to curl up under the covers), got out my laptop and my Jimmy Jane vibe, flicked out the lights for, you know, ambiance, hopped in bed and pressed play.

Now, I’m not much for story lines or pre-sex banter in porn, but as the clip is only five minutes long, I figured I was gonna have to watch the whole thing to get ‘er done. James and Farrah seemed to have a pretty good rapport between them, and as Farrah is hardly the thespian that James is (“The Canyons,” can’t wait!), I’m guessing these two have hung out before. The authenticity astounds! Anyway, right from the get-go Jimmy Jane and I encountered a problem with “Farrah Superstar” — perhaps I set myself up to fail by expecting, I don’t know, more James Deen in a James Deen porn, but alas, the first few minutes of this five minute clip are shot from James’ POV, which is just fucking great if you want to see Farrah’s perky little pole-dancing ass bounding around in, like, Aerie panties, and straightening up the room they’re about to screw in, and then spreading her legs, and doing that whole coy, “Teehee, I’m not going to show you my pussy, just kidding, look at my pussy” thing. Luckily, James is a talker, a better talker than my boo Manuel I’d even venture to say, and while I hadn’t heard any sex growls yet, his confident, like, swagger was enough to get me a little tingly –

“YeeeeAH? Bee-BEE! Come cuddle!” Dude. Farrah Abraham’s weird annunciation and strange emphasis on certain syllables is, I swear to god, like a human speaking in dolphin. Seriously, that nasally baby-talking yelp is enough to stop even the most determined orgasm in its tracks. I can’t handle this chick’s voice, I thought. I’m just going to click ahead a tiny bit. With James’ dick stuffed in that piehole, she won’t be able to talk and will thus be less annoying. 

“Tell me how you like it…” Ugh, shut up shut up. James does the talking, you do the sucking! I felt like 1950s misogynist pimp, I wanted this creature to shut up so bad. The early tingle was gone. I turned Jimmy Jane up a notch.

Wait, she’s already done blowing him? He’s not even fully erect! Farrah pulled away, halfway through a pretty pathetic BJ if you ask me, and said she was running off to get some lube, because they were going to do anal first. Okay then. Let’s not beat around the bush, literally, get it?! 

Ladies, when you’re cracking stupid jokes to yourself while watching a porn, something is off.

“Yeeee-AHHH! I loves! Get ready! I’ll be right back, bee-bee!” I checked the time.

Ughhhhhhhh, three whole minutes in and nothing to show for it. Oh wait, she’s blowing him again. He’s still kind of only half hard. Get it together, Farrah!

Another 10 seconds or so later, the clip jumped ahead to some actual fucking, with the camera sitting on some sort of table so you can see all of Farrah laying on the bed, her rock hard fake boobs not moving at all, and just, like, the sector of James required for fucking, i.e. not nearly enough James. 

It’s about time. Finally down to business! Let’s take ‘er home! I thought. I think maybe I heard Jimmy Jane sputter.

“That’s my girl, that’s my girl…” James had yet to utter a single sex growl, but he’s the master at weirdly relatable, normal dirty talk, the kind of dirty talk that doesn’t sound like a hodge podge of nonsensical unrelated curse words and body parts strung together like a popcorn garland. Farrah on the other hand…

“Cock, cock, fucking cock, cock cock!” Use your words, Farrah. It’s like XXX Old MacDonald up in here. Rollin’ my eyes, shakin’ my damn head.

Ladies, if you’re rolling your eyes and shaking your damn head while you’re watching porn, something is off.

“That’s my girl, that’s my girl.” Seriously, the hottest part of this five minutes so far has been James Deen saying, “That’s my girl” over and over. Can this be my ringtone? I bet I can make this into a ringtone. I did download that ringtone app a few weeks ago.

Ladies, if you’re thinking about making ringtones while you’re watching porn, something is off.

“Fuck me, bee-bee!” And then some dolphin sex yelps. Here she goes again, Miss Vocabulary 2013 herself: ”Get that bee-bee! Fuck that pussy, bee-bee!”

Why hasn’t James growled yet? I’m worried about James. James is not growling. I wonder if James was a sick the day he filmed this? Maybe he had a little cold and his throat hurts and isn’t up for growling. I hope she offered him some tea.

Ladies, when you’re thinking about offering a porn star tea while watching them fuck, something is off.

“I love that cock, I love that cock!” Farrah was on her knees now, exclaiming as James railed her backdoor. And then –

Nothing.

That’s it? That was it. I turned Jimmy Jane off and sat in silence for a moment. What a letdown. What a waste of James Deen’s god given talents. That man deserves better than to be known for starring in this particular “film.” Lucca peered at me from over the edge of the couch.

“Gimme five, Lu,” I said, because it’s not weird at all that I talk to my dog about giving me a few more minutes of alone time. Then I clicked on over to PornHub and watched some real fucking James Deen porn (NSFW link obvs), complete with sex growls galore and nary a dolphin yelp or “bee-bee” to be found. And it was good. It was better than good. It was great.

UPDATE: I have since viewed 40+ minute scene from “Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom” and have additional thoughts!

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