Dear Jarvis Sutton,
Are you my soulmate? I think you might be, because it’s pretty clear you appreciate Kool-Aid almost as much as I do. I love the Kool-Aid man so much, especially when he comes crashing through a wall screaming his signature catch phrase, “Oh yeah!” in his creepy smoker’s voice.
Or maybe there’s another reason you dialed 911 eighty times to request a home delivery of Kool-Aid, hamburgers and weed. When St. Petersburg, Florida, police arrested you for misusing the 911 system, you were apparently so hungry that you tried eating the foam attached to the metal cage in the back of the police car. I understand that you are still in jail at the moment, unable to make the $150 bond. I would bail you out, but I was planning on using that money for a mammoth Kool-Aid run at Costco, so…
Until your release, oh yeah!
P.S. Sad news, Jarvis. Apparently the people in charge over at the Kool-Aid corporation have decided to give our favorite party-crashing sugar-water sales-pitcher a makeover. He’ll no longer be shouting “oh yeah” from the rafters, and will instead be billed as “a celebrity trying to fit in with normal people.” Uh huh. [Inquistr]