Tanning Mom & 7 Other Non-Celebs Who Recorded Singles To Stay Relevant

I guess when the sex tape thing didn’t pull through, Tanning Mom, my muse, had to come up with another way to stay in the spotlight. What about her biopic starring her? I’m dying for that! Anyhow, Patty Krentcil decided to hit the recording studio and cut her first single, “It’s Tan Mom!” The truth is, I don’t care why she’s releasing her new single, just that she is. The track, which begins with Tanning Mom channeling her inner Britney Spears (“It’s Tan Mom, bitch!”) is due out on iTunes May 6. That should pretty much be the best day of my life. Until then, I guess I’ll have to listen to other ill-conceived singles released by people desperate to extend their 15 minutes. I don’t include Reality TV stars in this category because they ALL try their hand at a music career. My two exceptions are Danielle Staub and Courtney Stodden because I have love for those cray bitches. After the jump, some of my favorite never-were-celebrity songs. [AU News]

1. “It’s Too Big” by Jonah Falcon. You may recognize Jonah as the man with the world’s longest penis. I mean, that trouser snake deserves a song! He hasn’t released his music video quite yet, but you can listen to this banging track, with lyrics like “In order to ride the beast it must be unfurled,” on iTunes. You’re welcome. [Huffington Post]

2. “Lovesick Lullabye” by Antoine Dodson feat. Brent Morgan. Antoine Dodson’s come a long way since his “Bed Intruder” news clip got auto-tunes. He’s got a real pretty weave now. And an R&B song.

3. “Cold Poppin” by Sweet Brown. Sweet Brown ain’t got time for that fire, but she’s got time to make one of the most bizarre music videos I’ve ever seen. I’ve watched it a bunch of times, but I think the narrative might be going over my head.

4. “Sexy Party” by Octomom. There’s only a snippet of Octomom’s single available for aural consumption, but it’s so auto-tuned it sounds like she recorded it on sybian. She probably did.

5. “Freak Of Nature” by Chris Crocker (NSFW). Chris Crocker Freak Of Nature. His viral video, “Leave Britney Alone,” got our attention. But his racy music video, where he pays homage to Britt by dressing like her, is keeping it.

6. “Reality” by Courtney Stodden. The reality is that Courtney Stodden’s music is like her Twitter feed come to life: a super sexy sensual shit sandwich.

7. “Real Close” by Danielle Staub and Lori Michaels. I know that every single “Real Housewife” has recorded a single, but really, the only one that matters is Daniel Staub’s tortured lady loving lullaby, “Real Close.” This is my favorite live performance of the stalker ballad because it features live dancing guidos! Danielle, please make more music for us.