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“Game Of Thrones” Recap: Jon Snow Knows Something & Jaime Lannister Explains Himself — Plus, A Whole Lot Of Bare Butts!

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I wasn’t sure if “Game Of Thrones” could get better than Khaleesi raising fire-breathing dragon hell, but last night’s episode might have been even better than the week prior. First of all, SO MANY BARE ASSES. And taut ones at that! Forget getting a bikini body, I want a winter is coming body, mmkay? Anyway, let’s review some of the better moments from last night’s episode. Spoilers (and some NSFW GIFs) after the jump!

As Ygritte is fond of saying, Jon Snow knows nothing, but last night we discovered she’s wrong, and he does know one thing. Sorry, getting ahead of myself. So, Ygritte snatched Jon’s sword and led him on a chase to the Beyond The Wall Cave Spa, where she challenged him to prove he was done with the Night’s Watch once and for all. “I want you to see me — all of me,” she said, pulling off her many, many layers to reveal the first bangin’ bod of the episode. Jon hesitated at giving up his vow of chastity at first, but one kiss from Ygritte was all it took for those sexy Stark instincts to kick in and head downtown. Later, basking in the afterglow of taking his virginity, Ygritte asked him if they taught him that tongue trick in the North, and Jon replied, “I just wanted to kiss you there, is all,” proving if there’s one thing in this world that Jon Snow DOES know, it’s how to give head. Swooooon! This scene actually made me so sad for them — there’s a connection between them that most in the Seven Kingdoms never have the freedom to experience or feel. Ygritte didn’t want to leave the Beyond The Wall Cave Spa because they both might not survive what’s outside.

Meanwhile, Jaime and Brienne, in the custody of Lord Bolton, ended up taking a bath together and having an ass-off. Not sure who won, gonna have to watch this scene over and over again (and there are some GIFs below for you to review). Anyway, it was in this intimate setting that Jaime Lannister finally told his version of the Kingslayer story. It seems that the Mad King, realizing he was going to lose King’s Landing to Robert’s rebellion (led by Tywin Lannister), ordered Jaime to kill his father while he set the city ablaze with wildfire. “Tell me, if your precious Renly commanded you to kill your own father and stand by while thousands of men, women and children burned alive, would you have done it?” Jaime asked Brienne. “Would you have kept your oath?” That Jaime, despite his incest-y relationship with his sister and shoving of children out of windows, ain’t so bad!

Speaking of his sister, back in King’s Landing, Tywin Lannister wa busy making plans for how they could attain control of the Seven Kingdoms and it seems marriage was on his mind. Though Joffrey’s bride-to-be, Marjorie, wants to see Joffrey’s ex bride-to-be Sansa Stark marry her secretly-gay brother Loras Tyrell, Tywin has other ideas. As Sansa is the second-in-line heir to River Run, he wants to keep her “in the family” by having her marry Tyrion. And Cersei? She’s not off the hook either. Loras Tyrell is to be her husband. Despite their protests, Tywin did not budge, so I suspect Cersei and Tyrion will have to put aside their differences and team up to get out of the double wedding from hell. Though I have to say, given that Sansa’s previous potential suitors were disgusting, slimy Littlefinger and gay Loras, having sweet Tyrion for a husband might not be so bad.

Anyway, let’s end this recap with some of the rearends featured in last night’s ep, okay?

Jaime Lannister

Brienne of Tarth

Loras Tyrell’s random lover

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