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10 Steps To A Terrifying Online Medical Diagnosis (In GIFs)

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I have how long to live?!

For the past week or so, I’ve had a small itchy rash on my cheek. Yesterday I finally went to the doctor, and by “went to the doctor” I mean I typed “itchy cheek rash” into Google, read about the most dire medical problems that include cheek rashes in their list of symptoms, and convinced myself I’m going to die. Are you interested in diagnosing your medical problems online? Want to guarantee the lowest level of accuracy and the highest level of panic? Not sure where to start? Read on to try my patented 10-step method, illustrated by GIFs…

1. While looking in the mirror one day, you notice a red bump on your neck:

2. Upon closer inspection, you realize it doesn’t really look like a normal pimple:

3. Run to your computer and type a basic description of your malady into Google. For example: “Red Bump On Neck”:

4. Scroll past all the reasonable, non-life-threatening explanations:

5. Find the one that says, “Cancer”:

6. Ignore all the symptoms that don’t match yours; focus on the two that do:

7. Spend the next two hours reading about your prognosis (spoiler alert: you’ve got six months, if you’re lucky):

8. Post a farewell status update on Facebook. Call your parents and tell them you love them:

9. Cry yourself to sleep:

10. Wake up the next morning and notice your pimple is gone. Rejoice*:

*But be sure to repeat this process starting from step 1 every time you have a zit or a headache!

[Photo of shocked woman at computer via Shutterstock]

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