You’re paying hundreds of dollars a night to escape from your lumpy mattress and your cranky neighbors and your mold-stained shower that you don’t feel like cleaning and your pile of laundry that you’re actively trying to avoid. That’s what vacations are for: getting the hell away from reality. And while you’re kiddying up all of your hard-earned savings to have someone leave a mint on your pillow and turn down your sheets, you might as well fuck your brains out on those sheets that you’ll never have to wash. Below, some tips for getting the most bang for your buck in your hotel room.
1. If you don’t have someone to fuck, find someone. If you went on vacay with your current fuck partner, good for you. Get down to biznezz right away. If you didn’t, that shouldn’t be an issue. Having a one-night (or 5 night/ 6 day) stand in a hotel room just adds to the naughtiness. We’ve got two words for you: HOTEL BAR. Get your ass down there and start drinking alone until a handsome/ beautiful stranger strikes up a conversation. (Just make sure they’re not expecting you to pay for it — unless you’re into that kind of thing in which case, why not if you’re vacationing in a place where it”s legal?) If that fails: HOTEL POOL. Get your ass in a bathing suit and sit in the hot tub. Still no bangable prospects? Where the hell are you vacationing? Boca Raton?
2. Make a huge mess. Remember, the appeal of staying in a hotel room in the first place is that you don’t have to clean up after yourself. NEVER FORGET THAT. Tear that room apart. When you’re done fucking there should be sheets all over the room, towels covering every inch of floor, minibar detritus EVERYWHERE. (Just make sure you know how much that mini-bottle of Jameson costs before your pour it all over your guy’s penis and lick it off. Might not be worth it.) Whether or not you break into the minibar, that place should look like fucking Ringling Brothers rolled through. In case we haven’t been obvious enough in our implication here, you must also be very loud during your circus sex. Be loud as a “fuck you” to your neighbors who bang on the wall at home when you’re banging too much. You’ll never have to see these people at the mailbox, so go buck. Scream. Yell. Orgasm at the top of your lungs. Pound on the walls. Why? Because you’re on vacation and it’s costing you a shit ton.
3. Bathe to your heart’s content. When you’re done with your circus sex marathon, it’s time to bathe like a mofo. Take a bath, then a shower, then a bath again if you feel like it. Use all the free lotions and shampoos and mouthwashes and soaps in paper boxes. Try on the shower cap. Use whatever towels remain. Hell, use one to wipe in-between your toes and in your ass crack. And when you’re done, hit the jacuzzi. There’s usually one on the premises.
4. Take advantage of the amenities. You can watch porn on demand on a top-of-the-line flat screen TV. Or if you’re cheap, watch the free cable. Leave the TV on the whole time, even when you leave the room. When you’re done fucking and bathing and hot tubbing, order room service for maximum laziness. Set the mood lighting and use any remaining free shit — bathrobe, laundry bag, the iron, the blow drier, fill up the ice bucket and brew the complimentary coffee and put it over ice in the cups that you don’t have to wash. Drink it at 2 a.m. so you can stay up and go another round.
5. Sleep in. Once you’ve finally worn yourself out (you should be out of towels, condoms, minibar items, coffee, etc.), put the “Do Not Disturb” sign on your door and pass the fuck out on the comfiest, non-squeaky mattresses ever! Do not get a wakeup call or set the alarm. Close those industrial weight curtains and sleep in until a time that would seem obscene to you in your normal life. You’ll need to be refreshed because you’re going to have more crazy sex in the morning. Obvs.