12 Career Suggestions For Mean Girl Sorority Sister Rebecca Martinson
From now until the end of the internet, Rebecca Martinson will be known as the mean girl who wrote a rabid email to her University of Maryland Delta Gamma sisters berating them for being “weird,” “awkward,” “boring,” “stupid,” retarded,” “ass hat,” “faggots” who were unable to properly socialize with brother frat Sigma Nu. When Rebecca wasn’t busy writing shame mail to her sorority sisters, she was working on a future career in comedy, composing racist, classist, size-ist Tweets. But since becoming infamous, she’s deleted her Twitter feed. Well, there goes her career as the next Lisa Lampanelli! Should she make it through the rest of her college career at the University of Maryland — I imagine she’ll have to transfer — she’ll have to find some way to earn a living once she graduates. But what kind of job is someone with the gift of hate-spewing cut out for? We were wondering that very thing here at The Frisky. Her future doesn’t have to be a wash. We have some ideas for Rebecca…
1. The next Kelly Cutrone. Kelly needs a fashion PR bitch to take over her empire when her vocal cords give out. That should be any minute now.
2. A parole officer. If anyone could keep former criminals on the straight and narrow, it’s Rebecca.
3. A high-powered celebrity agent. Producers, directors, casting directors will cower in fear when Rebecca brokers deals for her A-list clients.
4. The next weight loss coach on “Biggest Loser.” Jillian Michaels who? To quote Rebecca’s now defunct Twitter feed, “Bitch don’t you DARE be asking me for extra mayo on your sandwich when you have 6 chins dribbling down your neck.”
5. A “Scared Straight” mentor. I think Rebecca could scare the shit out of some juvenile delinquents, no problem.
6. A foul-mouthed, salty sea fisherman. She would be respected and feared by seaman around the world.
7. Star of the “Mean Girls” Broadway show. As far as we know, they’re still casting for the role of Regina George in the Broadway production of “Mean Girls.”
8. Social director on a cruise ship. Because the girl knows how not to be a “goddamn boner” at an event.
9. The ghostwriter of Aaron Sorkin’s next screenplay. Rebecca can handle the truth.
10. A motivational speaker. Shame is a great motivator, and that’s Rebecca’s wheelhouse.
11. Author of the college-aged companion to Lean In. Sheryl Sandberg would be so proud.
12. A brothel madam. Who needs a controlling pimp when you can have Rebecca look out for your best interests? No Johns are getting away with shit.