Dear Erwin Lingitz,
I think it was wrong that you got arrested for taking too many free samples from your local Cub Foods. They are FREE SAMPLES for godssakes! It’s not like you stole food. If you want to ravage a lunch meat sample tray, fill a produce bag with 20 cookies from the kids cookie club tray, stuff 16 packets of soy sauce, a half-pound of summer sausage and a pound of beef sticks in your pockets, GO FOR IT. If Cub Foods wants to get all high and mighty about how you violated “societal norms” by taking too many of their free samples, fuck them. They shouldn’t have left all that salami out if they didn’t want it stuffed in a customer’s pocket. I hope you sue them for encouraging you to take free samples and then punishing you for it.
A family member of mine, who shall remain nameless, believes in going to Costco and eating the free samples as a meal. This embarrassed me when I was a child. I used to hide in the bulk toiletries section until said family member’s lunch was finished (they would always make me go and ask for another round of samples if they weren’t full and I resented being used as a sample pawn). I just wanted to pay for a slice of pizza! Costco has great pizza. But I digress. Erwin, as I get older and my expenses get higher, I appreciate a free lunch. I would be happy to join you next time you go for samples at Cub Foods. I don’t care if you’re 68 and live in Minnesota. Let’s steal sugar packets together.
Free means free,