An Ode To The Ubiquitous One-Shoulder Flutter Dress

Julie Gerstein / April 16, 2013

One sleeve so long, so flowy, extreme
One sleeve right out of a Stevie Nicks dream
The other — sigh! — gone, a specter in the night
A whole sleeve is missing, the cause of such fright

Off-shoulder flutter dress, and your similar ilk
Whether made of cotton or fashioned from silk
I don’t understand your lopsided ways
Your chiffon-infused nightmare, it haunts me for days.

In patterns and colors not meant for the eye
The one-armed dress flutters and darkens the sky
Its bold shape a problem compounded with dread
Synthetics and Lycra in bright purples and reds

The “Housewives” all love you
From Gretchen to Tamra
They scream in their platforms
As your sleeve waves at the camera

But bras are impossible, and shoulders are cold
One arm is quite bare while the other is bold
Your appeal eludes me, and your longstanding charm
Or why you insist on covering only one arm.

If I was a car model, hostess, or Vanna White
This one-armed dress would maybe serve me right
But in day-to-day wear, your appeal does slip
Your sleeve drags through coffee, stuck in chips and dip

So I’m calling on you, dear one-shoulder dress
Please go away now, you’re causing distress
Your proportions disturb me, they fail to make sense
Two sleeves is correct, one sleeve is just dense.