An Open Letter To Whoever Stole A Goat From A Petting Zoo And Took It To A Bar At 1:30 AM

Dear Goat Thief,

Listen, I get it. There is nary a time when I watch a funny goat video or walk by the urban goat sanctuary by my house (I live in Portland) and don’t plot a way to steal the adorable goats and make them my pets. My eventual life goal is to have a herd of a thousand pygmy goats who all wear coordinating sweaters, and it can be frustrating that my current lifestyle does not allow for that. Stealing just one goat often seems like a quick fix for my sad, goat-less life.

Perhaps you felt the same way when you abducted a pygmy goat from a Montana petting zoo. The next part though, the part where you took said goat to a bar at 1:30 in the morning, that’s the part I don’t really understand.

Were you celebrating your successful goat heist? Did you want to show off your awesome new pet to your drinking buddies? Was the goat begging for a gin and tonic? Whatever the reason, somebody at the bar called the cops, and the goat was confiscated and returned to its owners.

You managed to slip away without being caught, which means we might never know your true motives. But maybe someday, when I inevitably carry out my own goat abduction and can’t resist grabbing a cold beer afterwards, I’ll understand.


[The Montana Standard]