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My testicles are not stress balls!

I think if Carl Jung was alive, he would call Reddit a sieve for the collective unconscious. Or something like that. Because I’m a total Jungian, I like to spend time on Reddit researching the state of our collective psyche. Not that I need to justify being a Reddit junkie or anything. OK. I’m a Reddit junkie. There! I owned it. Moving on. This week, I stumbled upon a very enlightening AskReddit thread about things women think turn men on, but really aren’t doin’ it for them. We’re sorry, guys. We had no idea that you don’t like it when we treat your balls like fun toys. Check out some of the most interesting things men had to say, in their own words, about the ways in which we are failing to turn them on … unbeknownst to us.

1. Treating their balls like squeeze toys. “Ladies, please don’t treat my testicles like stress balls. This has been a public service announcement.”

2. Penis yanking. “Yanking my penis like it’s an old tyme dinner bell cord in a Scottish manor…”

3. Making them “work for it.” “Anyone who says they want to work for it is a bold face liar. No girl should throw themselves at a guy but being difficult is a pain in the ass. Being genuine is far overlooked and girls think being difficult gives them power when in fact it makes guys make ‘false’ judgment of their character.”

4. Rough or dry hand jobs. “Gripping the shaft below the head and attempting to rip the skin off the penis substrate, like vigorously using a shake weight. This is painful … It is the anti turn on at a time where it is least needed.”

5. Loud, fake orgasms. “You can make noise, but, ‘UH UH UH, OOH YEAAH! on full volume the whole way through is even more awkward. I know I am not in a porno, I don’t need to pretend.”

6. Nipple play. “Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but my nipples — they do nothing. Seriously. I’ve had girls suck on them expecting me to get all excited. I just have to sit there and go, ‘Woo. So good. Yeah.’ My nipples are DEAD INSIDE. The most they are is ticklish. Ticklish and hairy.” (Disclaimer: There were other men who chimed in and said that they love nipple play.)

7. Bragging about your BJ skills. “Try not to say you give great blow J’s. It sets you up for failure. Whatever your past partner liked may not be the same thing your new guy likes. Also, we immediately picture you blowing other fellows, and that just puts a damper on the mood.”

8. Waiting for guys to make the first move. “Especially for socially awkward people like us Reddit [users], first moves by women are fantastic.”

9. Having sex if you don’t feel like it just to make the guy happy. “Letting me fuck you on a night that you don’t really want to fuck. If you aren’t totally into it and turned on like normal, I’d rather you just say ‘not tonight’ and let me get it tomorrow. I don’t get off on fucking a disinterested girl.”

10. A finger in the butt (without warning). “I need at least 48 hours of advance notice to prep my inner asshole.”

11. Your hairy anything. “Stop being embarrassed by minor shit we don’t give a fuck about. Your vag is a little stubbly because you haven’t shaved lately. Cool … don’t care.”

12. Calling yourself fat. “Calling yourself fat when you’re not fat. Hell, no good can come from ‘I’m fat.’ You either want to have someone tell you otherwise or just agree that you’re fat which will then make the person upset.”

13. Holding in your poop or farts. “Holding in your farts and pretending like you don’t poop. Once you fart in my presence or poop while I’m in the same domicile as you, I feel like we have leveled up. But maybe don’t drop a deuce on the first date.”

14. Thinking we have to give them an orgasm every time. “Don’t act like you HAVE to make me cum EVERY time by your doing, and likewise don’t depend on ME to MAKE you cum every single time. I like being the reason you cum and I understand the feeling is mutual, but sex is a lot less stressful when you worry about your orgasm and I worry about mine.”

15. Tongue in the pee hole. “Can you please stop trying to stick your tongue in our pee-holes during oral sex? Seriously, I have no idea why some women think this is something guys would want.”

16. Baby talk. “I hate it when adult women act like little girls, examples: pouting, toddler talk, saying ‘I dunno’ when asked what you like.”

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