Maybe you’ve heard that as Justin Bieber continues his weird worldwide meltdown, he left some monkey collateral damage in his wake? Bieber’s monkey was seized by German customs officials on Thursday after the singer failed to produce necessary customs documents. Mally, the wee capuchin monkey, is just 14 weeks old — too young, say experts, to be separated from her mother. But now she’s been seized by officials and is currently being kept in quarantine. Biebs has four weeks to come back and pick her up.
But what should Mally do if Bieber fails to show (which, given his track record with animals, is kind of likely)? Never fear, sweet monkey, we’ve got some options for you!
1. Leave your abusive, crappy husband behind and go on a wild road trip with your best gal pal. Along the way, bone Brad Pitt and maybe kill a guy. Finish up your trip with a raucous car trip ending in a terrifying jump off a cliff.
2. Go traveling with your best friend Claire Danes to a dangerous foreign country. While there, accidentally break a small law that gets you thrown in a dungeon prison for, like, ever.
3. Take a job as the assistant of a high-powered magazine editor. Against the odds, and with a wardrobe stolen straight from the fashion closet, rise through the ranks and impress your difficult boss. And then decide to leave it all behind for a job that can really make a difference.
4. Become a total shopaholic and get yourself in tons of credit card debt. Then, in an ironic twist, take a job at a finance magazine and fall in love with your boss. Learn that money really can’t buy you happiness but that the love of a good man can make all the difference.
5. Find a magical pair of pants that fit your skinny capuchin legs, as well as the legs of your three best girlfriends. Go on solo adventures with your pants that help you grow as a person, but never forget the magic of those jeans, and the love of your best pals.
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