Non-boyfriend: defined as a close, uncomplicated friendship you have with a dude that defies all romantic weirdnesses because you two aren’t dating and have established that you never will. Would he sleep with you if you begged him? Probably. Is there some tiny spark of attraction? Sure. But that’s not the point. The point is that you’re both happy being two single friends who would maybe, in some some second life universe, bang if the moment arose. Until he finds a real girlfriend, and he will because he is an awesome guy, he will be a loyal, devoted, supportive and drama-free friend who you can text whenever the hell you feel like it. Of course, he may become a little scarcer once he gets a girlfriend but that’s OK because you’ll be happy for him. Appreciate him while he’s around. This is an ode to non-boyfriends and all the wonderful things about them…
1. You can complain to him/ ask advice about boys and get a unique insight your girl friends won’t give you. He’ll give it to you straight, from a guy’s perspective and tell you, “I think he’s looking for a way out of this relationship” instead of blowing smoke up your ass and saying something like, “He’s just scared.”
2. It makes him feel good to be there for you when you’re having any sort of problem because … he’s a guy. He’ll want to listen/help/fix without getting all freaked by any possible feelings of obligation.
3. Whatever issues he has with the women he dates, you’ll be immune from them, because you’re just friends. Phew. But you’ll be happy to listen and advise as he sorts through his trust issues.
4. He’ll have compliments at the ready for you whenever you need them. He’ll tell you how hot you look in that dress or that you’re snort-out-loud funny. He’ll give his affection to you freely because he knows you won’t read into it. But his compliments will work just the same.
5. On the flip side, he’ll tell you for reals if that skirt makes your ass look weird. Thanks, buddy, seriously!
6. He’s usually down to be your plus one if there will be single women there, meaning that he’ll happily be your platonic date to your sister’s wedding. And while he’s there, he’ll vet any guys that may be flirting with you.
7. He’ll never stop returning your text messages/emails/phone calls because he has no reason to. So you can text/call/email whenever the hell you feel like it and not worry about him reading into it.
8. He’ll put you in a cab when you’ve had too much to drink and know you don’t really want to sleep with him when you start pawing at him.
9. When your single girl friends ask if you know anyone who’s available, you’ll have a genuinely awesome single guy on tap for her. Hopefully he’ll have the same for you.
10. When he does get a girlfriend, there’s a pretty good chance that you can become friends with her because obviously, whoever he ends up with will be rad.