The 3 Levels Of Vaginal Closeness Among Girl Friends
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away … OK, it was last year in The Frisky office … I was going to get my first-ever (and last-ever) Brazilian bikini wax. I was curious, but also terrified. Pain and I are not friends. So I asked Amelia, my boss and friend and person who had made an appointment at the waxing spa at the exact same time as me so we could go together, if she would stay in the room with me and hold my hand. And you know what she said?
Fast forward to last week when, for some reason, Amelia was talking about a friend she once had who wouldn’t let her borrow her compact to check whether she had a tampon stuck inside her. She asked if we’d let her borrow the compact in such a situation. As a noted germaphobe, I said, “Um, no?” Cue hellfire and brimstone raining down upon me.
It’s clear to me now that when there are friends (and bosses) and vaginas, there are complex and varying levels of closeness. Let’s unpack them, after the jump:
Lending a tampon, pad or Midol. That’s just called good manners. Violators should have their Woman Card revoked.
Making sympathetic cooing noises over ladybusiness problems. Bad cramps? We all have them. Baby in utero playing your ribcage like the drums? So not cute. Bond with your fellow woman and show some sympathy.
Answering questions about itches/smells/ingrown hairs. That STD you’re worried about is probably just a yeast infection. And your roommate/friend from biology lab/coworker could probably squash your anxiety in five seconds flat with an “Oh, I had a yeast infection like that once …” story. (Still, proceed with caution, as you don’t want to be the accidentally inappropriate and get known as Vaginal Itch Lady.)
Lending clean undies. Mi casa es su casa … and mi underwear drawer es su underwear drawer on laundry day.
Lending a mirror so she can looking at her vagina. Whether she needs to investigate a suspicious bump on her vulva or find the ever-elusive tampon string, you can do the right thing and lend your mirror. (And, um, wash it after wards.)
Holding hands during a Pap smear, bikini wax, abortion, or Vajazzling session. Not to conflate an abortion with Vajazzling (calm down, everyone) but having foreign objects in or around your lady parts can make a woman anxious. A good friend is there to squeeze your hand during the rough parts.
Holding hands during childbirth. There’s a lot of blood, y’all.
Doing the vajazzling. But if Jennifer Love Hewitt offers, no matter whether you know her or not, you have to say yes.
Helping remove a tampon. Friends don’t let friends freak out over Toxic Shock Syndrome. If your friend needs your help getting a tampon out — and doesn’t have the money/can’t wait until morning to go to the gyno — get on your hands and knees and help her excavate. If you don’t, she might let that thing sit in there for 10 days. And it will be partly your fault.
Am I completely off-base here? Is my head just in the gutter? (Possibly true.)