All those coupled friends of yours, you’re genuinely happy that they’ve found someone whose morning breath makes them giddy. You’re thrilled that you’ll never have to field another late night phone call from them about how they are scared to choke on a ham sandwich and die alone like Mama Cass. Really, you’re glad they found ever-lasting love and left you alone to make a weekend of hand-washing your delicates.
The only issue: the second they fell in love, it’s like they got single amnesia and forgot what it felt like to eat peanut butter straight out of the jar for dinner on a Saturday night. Their memory of what it was like to be relegated to the pull-out couch at Christmas while your brother and his wife get to sleep in your bed was wiped out. They no longer recall what it was like to feel demoralized after going on 100 unsuccessful OK Cupid dates. And this is why they assume that you would like to bird sit for them for the next two weeks while they’re laying on the beach in Aruba. Because you have nothing better to do, right? Well, not really, but that doesn’t mean you want to deal with bird shit. And while you’re at it, here are some more things they shouldn’t assume you’d like to participate in just because you’re single.
1. Anything sit for them. House. Cat. Dog. Bird. Baby. It doesn’t matter what it is, you probably don’t want to sit it. You’re not desperate for unconditional love and the kind of high thread count sheets you get as a wedding gift. No, you’re not.
2. Always come to their neighborhood. It’s two against one and they want to stay local. So you lose every time.
3. Help them plan their bachelorette party, wedding, or baby shower. You’ll attend. With a gift. But believe it or not, you have a busy life too and don’t have time to go cake tasting.
4. Be the third, fifth,seventh or ninth wheel at their dinner party. You love parties, but not the kind where everyone is canoodling and talking about mortgages.
5. Alternately, not be invited to be the third wheel because its only couples hanging out and they think you’ll be bored. You would very much enjoy going on that weekend snowboarding trip even if you don’t have someone to share a hotel room with. REALLY.
6. Regale them with all your bad dating stories so they can live vicariously through your “exciting life.” Your dating misfortunes are not exciting to you. Nor are they meant to be light dinner entertainment.
7. Hear their “advice” about what you’re doing wrong. Unless you asked for advice … mind ya business.
8. Go on a blind date with their “interesting” cousin because he’s the only single person they know. You already know how that’s going to end.
9. Go out with their other sad, single friend. You don’t need more friends. You’ve got tons. You need DUDES YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO.
10. Go out raaaaaaaaaaaging with them on their “night off” from the husband and kid. You stopped raging ten years ago back when they got all husband and kidded up.