Dear Ice Cream Hog,
I am dumping you on behalf of your girlfriend, on behalf of all the women in the world. After being caught on camera at the Magic vs. Pacers game on Sunday game, refusing to give your girlfriend a bite of your mint chocolate chip ice cream, I think it’s safe to say that you are the new poster boy for boyfriend selfishness. Smart men know that when it comes to women and their sweet tooth, you don’t play hard to get. You serve it up when it’s needed and don’t ask any questions.
I personally hate mint chocolate chip, so I wouldn’t have wanted a bite of your stupid ice cream, but if it were chocolate chip cookie dough … fuck you dude! Although you finally gave in and let your girlfriend have a taste, with a tiny spoon might I add, you still suck. Your inability to share ice cream is just a metaphor for all the other ways in which, I imagine, you are selfish. Go be alone forever with a carton of mint chocolate chip.
P.S. You might want to consider a new beard style because you’re about to be single and Winona and I conferred and we would not date your beard even if you shared ice cream.