After Winona admitted that she was nursing a bit of a crush on a guy with a Spider-Man beard, we thought it might be interesting to hunt down some other examples of crazy facial hair and ponder whether or not we would date these weird-bearded dudes. Click through to check out 15 guys with seriously crazy beards, plus our honest discussions about why we want to date them (or not)…
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Basket Weave Beard
Winona: I would absolutely date him because I have a feeling he would know how to french braid my hair.
Ami: I would date him as well because he is wearing an AIDS awareness ribbon.
Winona: Plus he kind of looks like Ryan Gosling, no? Dreamboat status.
Ami: Yes. And he has a heart. WIN.
Cousin It Beard
Winona: OK, like, I really want to be into this guy, because he obviously has a sense of humor, but I’m mostly terrified.
Ami: I couldn’t make it happen simply because his beard is covering his lips and I could never kiss him and that would depress the shit out of me.
Winona: Oooh true, that beard is an intimacy blocker!
Ami: Facial hair should not prevent intimacy. That’s where I draw the line.
Winona: I think that’s a good policy.
The Face Rake
Winona: That’s gonna be a “no” from me.
Ami: No way here. He’s a criminal. This is a mug shot. I’ve had my fill of criminals. I’m not in college anymore.
Free Spirit Beard
Winona: UUUNNNGGGHHH I’m obsessed.
Ami: I am too, kind of.
Winona: I want to make out with him while his mutton chops swirl around us in the wind.
Ami: I feel like we would go on vacation a lot. He probably likes cruises. And sailing.
Winona: He would totally go on the Passion Pit Cruise with you.
Gingerfall
Ami: I feel weird saying this, but I am ODDLY attracted to him. I want to dive into his beard and wear it as a coat.
Winona: OMG ME TOOOOO. It looks so well conditioned. I would hide things in it for him to find later in the day … little love notes or Tootsie Rolls.
Ami: Beard snacks!!
Goldfish Beard
Winona: Speaking of hiding snacks in beards…
Ami: I’m going to have to decline because his beard looks pubey and I don’t like the thought of snacks being covered in pubes.
Winona: Pubey snacks are THE WORST. I think we’re agreed on that one.
Ami: We’ve agreed on EVERY one so far.
Winona: Oh shit, we need to have a cat fight.
Ami: Well, only if it’s organic. This isn’t Reality TV.
The Handlebeard
Winona: YES.
Ami: NO.
Winona: He looks like a muskox, which is a very powerful, sexual beast.
Ami: I agree that he looks like a muskox, but I wouldn’t hit it.
Winona: How can you pass up a muskox?
Ami: I’m not into bestiality, Winona. That’s how.
Winona: Oooohhh burn!
Infinity Beard
Ami: It looks like he had a lobotomy. So, no thanks.
Winona: See, I’m reeeaallly into it because he vaguely resembles Andre Agassi, who is my 5th biggest celebrity crush.
Ami: Really? Andre Agassi? Interesting.
Winona: Is your incredulous tone about my crush or the fact that this guy resembles him? Because both are 100% true.
Ami: Crush.
Winona: Yeah mama! Those acid wash jean shorts and grunting serves…So hot!
Ami: Now I’m trying to think of my #5 crush.
Winona: We’ll need to write out our full lists soon and compare.
Ami: I only really have one celeb crush. Johnny Depp always and forever.
Winona: Ooh, good choice. He’s my #7.
Glitter Beard
Ami: YESSSS.
Winona: TRIPLE YES. Imagine how he would sparkle in the sun!
Ami: Because…GLITTER!
Winona: Exactly. And he would coordinate so well with all my sequined dresses.
Ami: He’d make a good going out accessory. You could wear him to your next Celine Dion concert!
Winona: I WISH.
PBR Beard
Ami: I’ll have to pass since I’m allergic to beer.
Winona: Perfect! More beard beer for me!
Ami: I would go for a guy whose beard held wine, though. That would be dream life status.
Winona: Oooh, a hairy wine rack. I’ll keep my eye out for you.
Ami: Thank you.
Silver Coil Beard
Winona: Wow, this is quite something.
Ami: I would be scared his beard would strangle me while I slept.
Winona: Valid concern, but I like his flair for showmanship.
Spiral Beard
Winona: I like him, he’s obviously quite artistic.
Ami: Playing “get to the center of his beard” would be fun. His face is more entertaining because of it.
Winona: Is that, like a sexy game, or a way to pass the time while waiting for brunch?
Ami: Both, maybe? I like to be entertained at all times.
Winona: A boyfriend with a built-in game on his face would be pretty rad.
Ami: As long as the game isn’t too gross. Like popping his zits or if he has scabies.
Winona: Since when is scabies a game?!?!
Beard Sword
Ami: He’s a magician, I bet.
Winona: He reminds me of one of Job’s magician nemeses from “Arrested Development.”
Ami: Yes!!! Totally!!!
Winona: Have you ever dated a magician?
Ami: No. And I never will. Although I took a magic class when I was in elementary school and I was OBSESSED with it.
Winona: I could see you being an excellent magician, actually. And your stripey dress would be great on stage! OK, so this guy’s out, but we did find you a new profession.
Ami: Vanity career!
The Cat Keeper Beard
Winona: I think I already know how you feel about this guy, Ami.
Ami: Obviously this is the most vile thing I’ve ever seen.
Winona: I think it’s cute! He’s a very caring and loving pet owner.
Ami: No comment.
Winona: Maybe this cat was the Lil’ Bub of the 1800s.
Ami: His beard probably has toxemia, that disease that cats give you.
Winona: Well fine, I’ll take him! He’ll carve out a space in his beard for me too and we’ll be a cozy little family and you’ll be soooo jealous.
Ami: All yours.
Winona: P.S. Will you visit me in the hospital when I’m dying of toxemia?
Ami: Of course. I’ll put our differences aside to nurse you back to health.
Viking Beard
Ami: I’m confused about which side of his head is the front and which is the back.
Winona: Would that be a significant barrier to your relationship?
Ami: Yes. I wouldn’t know if he was making eye contact or not and that would unnerve me.
Winona: I would give him a chance. I really envy the thickness of that braid.
Ami: It makes me feel uncomfortable. His face braid shouldn’t be better than my hair braid. Not cool.
Winona: I would just ask for tips because my braids never look that good.
Ami: I’ll bet he has some.
Original by Winona Dimeo-Ediger
