We’re Breaking Up: Man Banned From All Libraries On The Face Of The Earth

Dear Tyree Carter,

You’ve really done it this time. When you started spending a lot of time at the library, I was excited. I thought you were showing me you cared by putting in effort to job hunt and become more literate. I thought that all of our discussions about how I would be more sexually attracted to you if you “read a book once in a while and brought home a paycheck” had not fallen on deaf ears.

Tyree, I was wrong. You played me for a fool.

I don’t what lewd sexual act you performed at the Racine Public Library, but it must have been beyond obscene. All I know is that it was enough to get you banned — not only from every library in Wisconsin — but from every library of the face of the Earth! WTF, Tyree? What did you do with your penis!?

An employee of the library told investigators that you were “standing in the open, not trying to conceal the act”. When police were called to the scene, you promptly sat at a table and pretended to be reading a book, like nothing happened. That sounds just like you.

While you publicly apologized for your mysterious, lewd act and claimed this was your first time doing it in public, I can’t forgive you. Nor can I bail you out of jail. I hope for your sake, if you get convicted, that your ban from all libraries on earth won’t include the one in the prison. Otherwise, it’s going to be a long stay in the slammer, dude.

I’m so disappointed in you.

Your ex-girlfriend,

Ami Angelowicz

[The Independent]