Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Would Rather Die Than Offend His Hot Airplane Seat Mate

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t know your name, but I commend you for your effort to be the best airplane seat mate ever. Sure, you took it a bit too far. But the intention was there and that’s what counts. As many of us have experienced, getting trapped on a long flight next to a person who is farting/snoring/talking non-stop is unbearable. More than unbearable, it’s a goddamn nightmare.

When you found yourself sitting next to a hot woman on a five-hour flight through China, you made it your mission to remain seated the entire time so as not to disturb her. And when I say disturb her, I mean that you didn’t want to offend her with your pot belly. In order to do this, you declined to drink any of the complimentary beverages so you wouldn’t have to get up to use the men’s room. You remained seated with your seatbelt securely fastening around your safely hidden paunch for the entire flight, barely moving at all. I’m sure the woman was thrilled to have you as a seat mate. Truly.

But your good airplane manners were ultimately to your detriment. You were too good of a seat mate. As it turned out, sitting without moving or drinking any liquids for so long gave you deep vein thrombosis, which you were hospitalized for upon landing.

Here’s to your speedy recovery. And I want you to know that no woman is worth getting deep vein thrombosis for. There are plenty of women out there who will love you, spare tire and all. Remember that next time you go on vacation.

With admiration,

Ami Angelowicz