A special experience in every woman’s life is the day she sits through a 45-minute sex ed class in middle school, trotting out after the fact clutching a plastic bag with deodorant, a tampon and a pamphlet called “What’s Happening to My Body?” Sex ed class is something that no one really remembers, only because the education presented is so bizarre. To commemorate this special time in everyone’s life, here are the seven most absurd puberty videos YouTube has to offer.
1. The Menstrual Cycle
This is your standard 1950s sex ed video, with a heavy emphasis on motherhood, housecleaning, and being the best wife you can be, but with a few brow-furrowing extras. Having your period is not to be taken lightly, so make sure to avoid “fast games,” which I can only assume are something like high-impact checkers or a vigorous round of Go Fish. Whatever it may be, avoid at all costs! For maximum hilarity, please examine thoroughly the diagram of the female reproductive system at 0:47. It bears a striking resemblance to Baphomet, pagan deity and frequent symbol of the Illuminati. This is the most concrete evidence to date that women run the world.
2. Disney’s Menstruation Campaign
Who knew that Disney would be the one to explain the process of menstruation from start to finish using medical terms and clear cut explanations? The truth about this Disney campaign is that I actually did learn a lot. If you can look past the typical 1950′s “a woman’s place is in the kitchen and cleaning with a feather duster in a tiny skirt” mentality, you’ll find that this video presents a medically sound and easy to understand explanation of how menstruation works. Bravo, Disney!
3. Girl To Woman
All girls discuss their changing bodies at awkwardly staged and politically correct slumber parties. What did we learn? Answering a boy’s phone call will make you sweat right through your middy blouse. Also, it’s perfectly normal to have a weird and stilted sleepover with all of your girlfriends to talk about the changes your body is going through. The lass in the striped top at 1:15 sounds a little bit like a young Little Edie Beale.
4. Dr D’s Crossing the Bridge of Adolescence
Dr. D is sadly not a euphemism for the penis. Instead, he is an anthropomorphic letter “D” who purports to teach children about the weird and wonderful changes that happen to your body through jerky stop-motion animation, illustrated semen drops and two human helpers. Apparently, attraction to the opposite sex causes a “tingly” feeling, which is represented in this by something that closely resembles electrocution.
5. How Do Women Get Pregnant?
Finally, what I’ve always wanted — a life-sized talking penis named Peter and a woman in a dress that looks like a vagina, explaining to me precisely how someone gets pregnant. I’m not being sarcastic. Once you get past the fact that Peter “sweats” when he gets excited, this video was extremely informative, laying out the mechanics of conception with humor. Bonus — it was produced for Planned Parenthood!
6. Basic Facts
It seems puberty in the 1950s was much more serious than it is now. Boys get really clumsy because their bones grow at exponential rates. Girls, on the other hand? Puberty makes you realize that you are not the “glamorous beauty” you aspired to be — instead, you are just a ho-hum, ordinary girl. Also, teenagers are wild and unpredictable! Burning the candle at both ends, through vigorous square-dancing and executing perfectly formed swan dives off piers. could lead to fatigue, diet issues, and imagined maladies. Hormones, man. Crazy stuff!
7. Are You Perverted? Anti-Porn Sex Ed
This is a light-hearted romp led by a clean-cut man in a suit, who lays out the grave danger pornography poses to the youth of today. Apparently, once you’ve seen just one dirty magazine, your life view on sex, love and normal relationships is forever tainted. However, the “illustrated, detailed course in perversion” he mentions around the 0:37 marks sounds like something that might be kind of interesting.
BONUS! Christian Homeschooler Sex Ed Video For Dudes
I appreciate the effort put forth into this bizarre computer animation video, intended for Christian homeschoolers. This is hands down the strangest explanation of puberty I have seen to date. Taking place in a completely empty kitchen, Bobby, wearing only a bathing suit and a cowboy hat, has a frank discussion with his mom about the changes in his body. Mom provides helpful answers to her son about masturbation, erections and the dangers of older men. This is worth a watch.