The other weekend I was at brunch with some friends and the topic of our conversation was cock rings. Not your average brunch convo, but a lively one nonetheless.
“If you haven’t already, you girls have to get a vibrating cock ring. It changed everything.”
I know, this sounds like one of those cheesy tampon commercials. I’m paraphrasing from memory, but this was a near-exact approximation of what she said. Next, she went on about her amazing orgasm thanks to said vibrating cock ring. She is also a squirter. So she’s one of those orgasmic overachievers. Bitch.
By the end of brunch the other girls wanted to rush to the CVS down the block to buy them. I spent most of brunch trying to stifle an eye roll. Not because I’m single and have no one to fuck and have never squirted in my life (although that might be part of it), but because I find vibrating cock rings to be highly overrated and the time I used one was farcical at best.
The funny thing about cock rings is that they’re marketed to men for longer, stronger erections. But, when coupled with a bullet vibrator, which many of them feature, they’re actually for the woman. Although I feel like vibration must feel good on the balls, too. How good? I don’t know because I don’t have a dick. But if guys enjoy teabagging, than ball vibration must not be far behind.
For my then boyfriend’s birthday, I took him to sex toy shop and told him to pick out whatever he wanted. We walked out of there with a baby blue vibrating cock ring, some premium lube and a We-Vibe. Then we went and got some fish tacos to fuel up for a night of wild sex toy experimentation.
Once we got his hard dick lubed up enough to get the ring on (about three and half minutes after we unlocked his front door), we were faced with the task of actually getting it on his penis. Sure, they have quite a bit of stretch, but those things are tight. It kept springing back up to the tip of his dick. Then we’d re-lube and repeat. When we finally go it on, he said it felt like his penis was being strangled. I imagine it felt like a tight bra in the summer, digging into your underboobage until all you want to do is rip that thing off. Those are my words, not his.
So, there he was, suffering a tight rubber thing on his cock because he thought it would make him harder or me more orgasmic. And there I was, unable to concentrate on anything because I was feeling bad for his penis. But we were both determined to make fun birthday sex happen, so I mounted him. He kept turning the bullet on and off, we kept changing positions, trying to make this thing happen. As opposed to my friend who had some mind-shattering, earth-moving orgasm from her vibrating cock ring experience, my vagina was unimpressed, she was like, A bullet? Whatever. It’s not that I can’t orgasm from a vibrating thingy, it’s just that I get overwhelmed when there are too many sexual stimuli. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. Eventually, I dried up, the lube dried up, and we decided to just give up the dream.
I was happy to get that thing off his penis, so I tried to rip it off quickly. And oops, I forgot how tight rubber and non-lubed skin do not a happy pair make. The cock ring resisted like crazy, taking some of his pubic hair with it when it went. Then he was yowling and I was laughing uncontrollably. That’s when the bullet button stuck. The damn thing wouldn’t turn off. It just laid on the bed buzzing like a mofo, dancing like a spastic freak, mocking our sexual failure. We retired the cock ring after that. I think he had to break it to get it to stop buzzing. But then we broke out the We-Vibe for round two. Now that was fun.