Chinese Woman Applies Moisturizer, Discovers It’s Actually Semen

Oh, is it a WORST NIGHTMARE kind of day? I think it must be, because this is (one of) my actual worst nightmare(s) (I’m neurotic as hell, what can I say): a 19-year-old Chinese woman cracked open a bottle of moisturizer and used much of the contents to, you know, moisturize her face, like womenz do. She noticed something was off about the cream, particularly the smell, and mentioned it to her roommate. You can see where this is going. Zeng Lin’s roommate revealed that, just as she had suspected, the moisturizer was not, in fact, moisturizer. Nah, it was just a bottle full of semen! Of course.

There aren’t many details (I need details, for Christ’s sake), but the culprit was not an enemy of Lin’s. Far from it, actually — 22-year-old Gou Wen had intended to give the bottle of sperm as a token of his affection. He said of the ploy, “I love her so much but she didn’t know it and I didn’t know how to tell her … so I did that thinking it was the ultimate way to show love.” What? What? First of all, how did Zeng Lin’s roommate know who did it? Why didn’t her roommate tell her in the first place? How did Gou Wen get the bottle into Zeng Lin’s room? So many questions, but no answers. The culprit was ordered to pay $300 in damages, but he insists that he will “find another way” to win her over since the gift of sperm did not suffice. Zeng Lin, I think it’s time to move. [Gawker]