Hitched: 10 Things A Woman Must Have At Her Wedding Or She’ll Regret It Forever

Hey, heterosexual ladies, the only people who matter when it comes to weddings! Gearing up for your big day this summer? Here’s a handy checklist of things essential to a great wedding day, to make sure everything is as perfect as possible or everything in your life will be meaningless.

Do you have …

  1. A beautiful, flowing, white dress? Your wedding day is your princess day and you can’t feel like a real princess in anything but a white, floor-length designer gown, which are the only dresses any princesses in history ever wore. Think a $5,000 Vera Wang dress is out of your price range? No worries! Maggie Sottero has totally cute designs for just $2,000, and nobody has to know that you’re poor!
  2. A plan to lose anywhere from ten to fifty fewer pounds? No fat people ever got married and liked it, or got married and stayed married, so get yer big ole’ tushies to the gym, gals! Whatever your starting size, there’s always room for improvement, which always means losing weight, which is improving yourself! Hooray, YOU!
  3. A bridal party made up of thin, attractive people of the same femme gender presentation who represent the many stages of your fascinating and important life? I know you haven’t talked to your sophomore year roommate in ever, but if she’s not up there to complete the altar tableaux, you’re going to look back at those wedding pictures and just cry and cry. It’s important only to pick people who will look good in the design you choose, or who are willing to undergo extensive body-sculpting procedures pre-wedding, so they don’t fuck up the aesthetics.
  4. Any and every member of your family, regardless of how they’ve treated you or your fiancé in the past, in attendance? Your wedding is the perfect place for your divorced parents to finally end their decades-long feud. And you’ll never forgive yourself for potentially hurting your fourth cousin’s feelings because his mom, who you haven’t talked to in 10 years, told your mom that they were really looking forward to your wedding, by the way is there an open bar? Your wedding should be like Switzerland, but with more crystals.
  5. Hand-lettered invitations in a series of slightly-shrinking envelopes fashioned out of the delicate skins of woodland creatures who died cruelty-free deaths from natural causes? Your wedding is an opportunity to find out who in your life is really a true friend, and you’ll know those people because they are the ones who judge others by their taste in stationery. Nobody who loves you would respond to an e-mail invitation or a postcard.
  6. A guest list of at least a couple hundred people? I know, I know, it seems like a drag to invite your dad’s golfing buddies, but just take a moment to remember that your wedding is as much about giving your parents a chance to parade you around like a pretty show pony as it is about creating a forever partnership with your fiancé.
  7. Personalized take-home trinkets for each and every one of your guests? Nothing will soothe your mind like spending four to five hours each day folding precious paper animals embossed with yours and your fiancé’s faces in gold-plated relief. If you have to miss a week of work to make this happen, no worries — if you get fired, one of your wedding guests will be so impressed with your folding skills that you’ll be able to work as their personal assistant until it’s time for you to get pregnant and make all the babies.
  8. An open bar dancing reception in the evening at an upscale hotel? You’ve got your whole life to worry about paying off student loans, saving up for a down payment on a home or building a savings account in case you or a family member gets seriously ill. Now is the time to hand over your credit card to the wedding planner you’ve obviously retained and splurge on top shelf liquors. No one can have fun without booze, and you shouldn’t force people to try.
  9. A religious officiant who can lend the appropriate gravity to your ceremony? Regardless of how you personally feel about God(s), organized religion or the flying spaghetti monster, real weddings are conducted by long-standing members of mainstream clergy who you may or may not have ever met before. No religious people have ever gotten divorced in the whole history of time.
  10. A multi-tiered cake from a boutique bakery? Who ever heard of getting married without a cake? Not anyone who ever got married for real, that’s for sure. Eat it until you love it! But not too much or else you’ll undo all that important work you did on your waist, and your husband will leave you.

Have a great wedding, ladies! Don’t screw it up or your life will be ruined.

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