6 Things You Really Need To Know About Relationships That Can Be Learned From This Episode Of “Jerry Springer”

I’ll admit, I stopped watching “Jerry Springer” when I graduated from high school because well, let’s just say I didn’t have as much free time for high class hookers and transsexual takedowns once I got to college. But in high school, the show was everything to me. I think this clip illustrates my love for “Jerry Springer.” Upon first watching you might see this as some theater of the absurd featuring lying, cheating furry fetish ravers, but look deeper and you will find that this is an allegory for everything you need to know about relationships. There are so many levels of meaning. It’s poetry really. My analysis after the jump. 

1. Things always start out simple and become more complicated. “When I met you, you were this cute little raver chick always willing to dress up like a kitty with me and have fun and now, you turned into some controlling butch bitch,” said Gina, the woman dressed as a raccoon, about her girlfriend Nicole, the alligator. I mean, this is the truth. At the end of every relationship, I find myself rewinding back to the first few dates asking, “When did the guy who showed up with a mix CD become the the heartless bastard who couldn’t be bothered to return my email?” My friends’ mom has a saying, “The new broom sweeps clean.” Meaning, people always tend to get messier over time. The person who gets cleaner over time … keep that broom!

2. When someone tells you who they are, believe it. Gina told Nicole she was bisexual when their relationship began, yet Nicole chose to believe that Gina was a “full-fledged lesbian.” I’m not familiar with the term “full-fledged lesbian,” (I’ll have to consult Dan Savage), but I’m pretty sure that Nicole was deluding herself into believing that Gina would never want to be with another man. Don’t ignore someone when they tell you what they’re all about. They mean it.

3. Fight fair. Just because you are wearing animal costumes and you can’t feel or hear much underneath, that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to be physically or verbally violent. No name calling. No snout punching.

4. Sometimes you’re the raccoon, sometimes you’re the alligator, sometimes you’re the dolphin and sometimes, you’re the person who wasn’t told to wear a costume.  What’s so brilliant about this “Jerry” scenario, is that these people all represent various positions that we’ve all been in at some point in our dating lives. At any one time you are the person more in love, the person less in love, the person who can’t commit or the person who’s been blindsided. Boom! Let that one sink in.

5. Never dress up like an animal just to make another person happy. Both Nicole and Trey have dressed up in furry costumes to “get to Gina” or make her happy. This is where they went wrong. You can’t try to be something you’re not just to make someone love you. As a sidebar, I’m so curious to know what Gina’s serving up that everyone’s so hot for. All we really know about her is that she works at a porn shop and likes to go to raves. And I wonder what she looks like under that raccoon mask.

6. You are powerless to the man spinning the plates. I like to think of the random plate spinner as God. That might be taking it a bit too far, but whatever. I choose to believe, that when it comes to love, there is always someone behind the scenes spinning the plates. And there is nothing you can do to change that. The plate spinner has a plan for you and it’s just your job to be patient and trust in the plate spinner. Maybe you’re an atheist. If so, please explain the plate spinner to me.