Astrology 101: How To Spot Each Sign … In “Portlandia”

Whether you live in Portland or have seen a few “Portlandia” sketches, you know this city marches to the beat of its own naked bongo drummer. As two lifelong Portlanders, we thought it would be fun to imagine where all the astrological signs fit into the culture of “Portlandia.” Is your sign tasting gourmet coffees or playing the didgeridoo or competing on an anarchist bocce ball team? Read on to find out!

Aries (March 21st-April 19th): Riding around on a unicycle scolding people on the street for putting compostable material in the regular recycling bin.

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Camping out in the luxury bedding section of Pottery Barn as part of the Occupy protest.

Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Running an illegal zine exchange out of a converted garden shed under the Burnside Bridge.

Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): Working as a traveling midwife who performs silent waterbirths in ponds, rivers, and mud puddles.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Fronting a 12-person sex-positive didgeridoo performance group.

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): At a gourmet, organic, fair trade, free-range coffee-tasting, smugly critiquing the subtle differences between roasts.

Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Working as a naturopathic, homeopathic herbalist who specializes in massage therapy for gluten intolerance.

Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Wearing a velvet-hooded cloak and performing past life regression services for local trees.

Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Captain of Portland’s most tattooed underground, anarchist bocce-ball-on-bikes team.

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Owner/head chef of a self-sustaining, carbon-neutral, fully compostable, zero-waste, organic, vegan food cart.

Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Standing outside of a local food co-op collecting signatures to get universal healthcare for dogs.

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Doing a specialized blend of yoga/tai chi in a crowded park and moaning about blocked chakras.