“The Bachelor” Recap: The Final Three Get Whittled Down To Two…

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RECAP!

Well, the journey is almost over. Last week, Bachelor Bronze visited the final four’s hometowns and sent sweet Des packing because he was totallys cared of her tattooed brother. This week, it’s time to get the romance on, as Sean and the final three travel to Thailand so Sean can bang all three women on the Fantasty Suite before choosing which two he wants to introduce to his parents. Wait, Sean doesn’t do that. I forgot he’s a born-again virgin. Maybe he’ll finger bang them? Let’s find out!

Lindsay gets to spend the day with Sean first. Sean really likes Lindsay because, he says, “she never seems to have a bad day.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I would consider this a red flag, like the person is putting on a show, or is not being completely open with me, or is maybe lacking in any sort of depth. Because everrrrryone has bad days. But Sean also clearly wants a woman who is super chipper all the time and is putting Lindsay on a bit pedestal from which she can only fall, because eventually she’s going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed or, I dunno, have PMS. But maybe she’ll have a smile on her face the whole time, who knows.

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Anyway, Lindsay’s really hankering to move to Dallas and do normal things with Sean, like grocery shopping. So to get a taste of the normal life, they visit an outdoor market, play with hot pink birds and eat bugs. Later, they go for a walk in the beach and play with monkeys! SO. MANY. MONKEYS. Sean says this has been an amazing date, and I agree, because MONKEYS.

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Lindsay has been holding back on saying “I love you” to Sean. Last week, she told him she was “falling in love with him,” but it’s been seven days and now she is THERE. She is IN LOVE. Time flies on “The Bachelor.” Lindsay accepts Sean’s offer to dry hump in the Fantasy Suite and, after a few awkward pauses, finally tells him she loves him. Sean is stoked, brah.

AshLee has the next date with Sean in Thailand. Before I proceed any further, can we discuss AshLee’s chesticles? I don’t mean this as a snark, but I am pretty sure she brought a new pair of tits to Thailand.

Even with her new floatation devices, AshLee is scared of the date’s activities, which include swimming into a cave. “I don’t DO caves,” she says.

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Naturally, this yet another trust exercise for AshLee, who seems to view Sean  – excuse me, “THIS MAN” — as the salvation for her longheld abandonment issues. This works well for Sean, who loves “being AshLee’s protector.” I really like AshLee and I actually think she’s the most mature and probably the best for Sean in the long run, but she’s getting annoying. I also think mayyyybe they I get the sense that Sean knows AshLee is good for him, but she’s very serious, especially in comparison to the lightheartedness of Catherine and Lindsay.

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AshLee is a little concerned about accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation — who areeeeeee these women?! — but says she and Sean are on the same page, i.e. are not going to make dirty nasty sex. The Fantasy Suite is just another opportunity to spend more quality time with Sean. Dry humping.

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Which brings us to Catherine. I am seriously so shocked she’s made it this far. I really like Catherine, but she is so different from Sean — they are the definition of opposite’s attract. Is Catherine really prepared to ditch Seattle for Dallas? I’m not buying it. Sean has similar questions but is more concerned with smooching. He just can’t keep his hands off Catherine. These two are super horny for each other. They make out on the beach, on the boat, in the water. They finally talk about whether Catherine is really ready to settle down, and she’s, like, yeah totally. And that’s really about it. Makeout time!

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Later at dinner, Catherine brings up the Fantasy Suite before Sean can, saying she was very nervous about whether or not to accept, because she wants to be seen as a “lady.” Ugh. This shit. You’ve got a nose piercing, girl, I know how you roll! All of these women with their posturing about going to the Fantasy Suite, “so long as there’s no hanky panky!” Like the Fantasy Suite is some elaborate setup by ABC to reveal who is the whore and who is the prude. Okay, it totally is. But you know what I would choose. Test drive that car before you buy!

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In the Fantasy Suite, Catherine shows Sean her issues. By that I mean she tells him that he is super hunky and she can’t believe a “guy like him” wants a girl like her. Apparently Catherine used to be chubby. So I guess the fact that Sean is completely wrong for her is trumped by the fact that he is ripped and hairless and YAY former “fat girl” done good? This show should really have an onsite therapist.

The day of the rose ceremony, Sean is sure about which two women he’s bringing home to meet his family and which woman he’s sending home. Normally at this point in the show I am so sure where everything is going to go, but Sean has kept me on my toes all season and I have no goddamn clue who he is going to get rid of. Sean has a heart to heart with Chris Harrison that reveals nothing particularly interesting.

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Then, even though he’s already made up his mind about who’s getting the two roses, he’s forced to watch these incredibly uncomfortable videos each woman made for him, declaring their feelings. Instead of a cocktail party they get to beg for their lives — lovely! AshLee totally breaks down in her video. Uh oh, I have a bad feeling. AshLee is totally getting the loser’s edit.

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Sure enough, Sean gives his final two roses to first Lindsay and then Catherine. AshLee doesn’t allow any emotion to show on her face, starring daggers at Sean until she finally walks past him and outside to where a car is waiting to take her to the airport for her flight of shame. Sean catches up with her and begs for her to listen to why he was sending her home. AshLee just stares at him, her face a blank slate. Then she turns and hops in the car. SO. BOSS. This is how you handle getting dumped on TV! Total ice queen. THIS MAN didn’t even get a hug goodbye. Let’s review this one more time, in GIF form.


BOOM. Anyway, with just Lindsay and Catherine remaining, I am more confused than ever about who Sean will choose. They’re both so … young? Silly? Of the two, Lindsay seems like a better fit, but maybe I’m just saying that because I think Catherine is too cool for Sean and I’m worried he’ll get her to remove her nose stud.

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