Was anyone else really competitive about hitting puberty? When the other girls in my 6th grade class started wearing bras, I begged my mom to buy me one even though I had nothin’ but beestings. And when I was one of the first to get my period, I felt like the Queen of some really cool club. And pubic hair? You’d better believe my best friend and I compared our down there hair growth when we were supposed to be doing homework. Ahh, how clearly we understood the significance — pubic hair was among the first signs that we were becoming women. But how little we knew about its potential to be high maintenance. In the years since I got my first little thatch, pubic hair grooming has become a major industry. You can let it grow wild, you can trim it, you can shave it, you can wax it, hell, you can slap a bedazzled bird on it. In fact, how you groom your pubes says a lot about you*, like…
FULL BUSH: You’re strong in your convictions leading people to either love or hate you. You use words like “sensual” and don’t own a flatiron. You think rainy days are really romantic and sing Joni Mitchell in the shower. It should go without saying that you identify as a feminist, but still like to be wined and dined from time to time. You definitely have spent at least 10 minutes looking at your own vagina in a hand mirror. You always order your steaks bloody.
LANDING STRIP: You’re always incredibly well put together and can seemingly pull off any trend you deign to try. You haven’t had to pay for yourself on a date since, well, ever. You’re meticulous in your approach to most everything you try, but that’s because you only attempt things you know you’ll be successful at. You spend the vast majority of your shopping funds at Sephora and every man you’ve ever dated has been shocked to discover that you have a filthy mouth. You only wear thong underwear and are always having a great time.
TRIANGLE: You’re not interested in following trends and are generally set in your ways about what you like and what you don’t. Gwyneth Paltrow is your muse for everything in life. You read all the books on the best seller list and never go anywhere without the latest New Yorker and a bottle of coconut water. You throw a killer dinner party and have the amazing ability to charm the locals in every foreign country you visit. You can be a pretentious jerk but give the best birthday gifts so no one can muster up the nerve to dislike you.
AWKWARDLY SHAVED TUFT: You make “To Do” lists but never accomplish all the tasks on them because you’re easily distracted by more enticing options. Your home and life appears neat and orderly, but there are plenty of hidden messes — but who cares, if no one is the wiser? You can be kind of hasty, so when you decide you want something done, you do it yourself — trimming your bangs, cutting a pair of jeans into shorts, reorganizing your apartment — with mixed results. Luckily, you’re always pretty relaxed and chill, so even when things go wrong, it rolls off your back. Every weekend you wake up and consider getting a tattoo.
SPECIAL SHAPE (LIGHTENING BOLT, HEART, ETC.): You’re desperate for attention and will go to great lengths to get it. You have at one time or another done all of the following: gone skinny-dipping, dyed your hair a crazy color, cursed out your mom, dated an older man, shoplifted, danced on top of a bar, made out with a girl to turn on a guy, and cried to get out of a speeding ticket. But it’s not all bad: your friends love you because you’re always game to talk smack about ex boyfriends, let them tag along when you skip past the velvet ropes at the hottest clubs, and loan them anything they want from your extensive closet. And no one — no one! — aces the “Sex and the City” category at Trivia Night like you do.
BALD: You don’t do anything half way. Some would consider you OCD, but you prefer to think yourself as a perfectionist. You like everything neat and orderly regardless of the occasion, just incase, which is why your bed is always made, your dishwasher is always empty, and your vagina is always hairless. The last one is interesting, because you clean your air conditioner’s filter more often than you engage in any hanky-panky. You haven’t ever in your life run out of toilet paper.
VAJAZZLED: You are a huge Jennifer Love Hewitt fan and live your life by the WWJLHD code.You’re one of those women who believes in blinging everything — your shoes, your cellphone, your vagina — and take the “Real Housewives” franchise very seriously. The only sushi you’ll eat is a California roll. You still wear Uggs and Juicy sweatsuits on your days off and your dog most definitely fits in your purse. You have never not had a boyfriend but you’ve cheated on them all.
* These sweeping generalizations are, of course, ridiculous and silly and all in good fun, although I am a dead ringer for the gal with the “Awkwardly Shaved Tuft.”