We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Set A Pack Of Peanuts On Fire And Dry Humped An Ambulance

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We're Breaking Up

Dear Calum Ward,

I’m writing to tell you that I’ve finally decided that I’d rather be alone than eat the shit sandwich you’re serving me. I have to save what’s left of my pride. Your most recent incident at the bus station humiliated me so much that I don’t think I have a choice but to dump your crazy, substance abusing, peanut punching ass.

While drunk and high on weed and speed  (you told me you were off the speed, liar!) you punched a pack of peanuts and then set them on fire. Seriously, Calum? WTF!? We’ve talked about you not carrying any matches when you’re on one of your benders. And if that weren’t embarrassing enough, after that, you threw yourself, spread eagle on an ambulance and started dry humping it. The police officer who arrested you said that “It look[ed] as though [you were] attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance.” Calum, I can’t. I refuse to be made a fool of any longer! (Not like we were having sex anyway with that whiskey dick of yours.)

You told the judge who tried your case that you have seen the error in your ways. I hope that’s true, Calum. From the bottom of my heart, I do. But don’t even think about trying to come apologize to me again. I am done with you. I am moving on with my life. No more groveling your way back into my heart. That’s not gonna work anymore. Good luck with your community service and six months of probation. And no! I won’t buy you cigarettes, you ambulance fucker!

Your ex-girlfriend,

Ami Angelowicz

[This Is North Devon]

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