My Comprehensive History Of Laptops Past And Present

I cannot say for certain how many laptops I have owned, I just know that it has been many. From my first clunky Toshiba to the 15″ MacBook Pro I purchased yesterday at the multilingual shitshow that is the Grand Central Apple Store (spotted: several separate incidents of international tourists FaceTiming on their own iPads from home as they walk around the area, what is that?), my long series of laptops and I have been through a lot together. Lo, “Laptops I Have Loved And Lost…,” otherwise known by its working title, “In Which I Finally Acknowledge That I Am A Spoiled Brat.”

1. The Toshiba. My very first. Approximate age 11. Maybe 12? I held onto this model for several years (roughly two), until my parents seized it from me one evening because I had become too attached. They discovered I had been talking to a few “online friends,” and they didn’t waste any time in letting me know that I was going to be tracked through my IP address, stalked, tortured, and murdered. I still don’t know if predators can actually track you down via your internet usage or if this was a thing my decidedly not internet-savvy parents invented. Don’t you have to, like, give people information for them to find you? This is something that doesn’t concern me, as I always used an alias. In fact, I had several fictional personas that I lived vicariously through. They were all a lot older, and better-looking, than the real me. Anyway, I cried a lot, and I was forbidden from the computer for a few weeks. After my suspension, I was only allowed to use my parents’ desktop computer from that point on. Until…

2. My first MacBook. I don’t remember much about it except that it was white, and by the time I was finished with it, the plastic square around the screen had peeled off and revealed the inner mechanical workings. Also, the keys were discolored from overuse. What can I say? I like to eat while I compute. Also, I was 13.

3. 13″ MacBook. Silver. It was right after they had phased out the white MacBooks. I got it for the first night of Hanukkah, then got topless on video chat with 3 different boys later that evening. Oh, to be 15 again. That’s what MacBooks are for! I took impeccable care of my laptop, and it was pristine for almost two years. However. There was an incident. My younger brother threw his computer at the ground as a weapon against my then-boyfriend and shattered the screen. To smithereens, as they say. Because of our computer protection plan, my mother took it to Best Buy (where she purchased it; why would you ever buy an Apple computer at Best Buy?) and RECEIVED A BRAND NEW MACBOOK PRO IN EXCHANGE as they no longer produced the 13″ regular MacBook model. I WAS SO PISSED. THIS was the thanks I got for taking such good care of my belongings? So I did what any sane person would do, and threw my laptop to the floor in a fit of rage. The screen shattered. I immediately ran to my room bawling because of what I had done. I used to have tempestuous mood swings. God bless Lamictal. Should I turn this into an ode to mood stabilizers? No? Fine.

4. 13″ MacBook Pro. “You are one lucky bitch,” my mom said cheerfully to me over the phone as she drove home from Best Buy, new laptop in tow. “The protection plan runs out tomorrow.” Saved by the goddamn bell! Anyway, because I really do take quite good care of my belongings despite them having been purchased with my parents’ money and not, you know, real money, I had this laptop for let’s say a year and a half. Then one night I was sitting on the couch, not bothering anyone, doing computer business as usual. My mom came over to fill my champagne glass, of course, but instead she just sort of splashed it gently over my keyboard. She looked at me, looked at my laptop, and went to go look for a bag of rice. We inserted my open laptop into the large bag of rice, making sure to distribute the grains evenly over the keyboard for maximum absorption, but it was too late. I pressed “a,” a “p” came up on the screen. I pressed the enter key, a bunch of numbers came up. The computer was done.

5. 13″ MacBook Pro. Refurbished. Do not ever buy an Apple computer from Best Buy. This one came broken. It became very hot and emitted a series of strange humming sounds the first time I used it. My mom took it back to Best Buy the next day in an attempt to exchange it. “It doesn’t work right,” she told them, but they insisted that they could not cover an additional replacement and they’d have to send it away. My overbearingly kind mother (seriously, she is unfailingly, annoyingly nice and painfully forgiving; in the same vein, she is also kind of a Chris Brown apologist) departed a store in a huff for the very first time. In her life. I stuck it out with this computer for quite some time, despite the fact that a) it couldn’t do more than one thing at a time, occasionally took 10 minutes to load a single page, would shut off and turn back on unexpectedly and b) I work for the internet. I am what you call a trooper. I bought a hard shell case for it that accumulated what looks like an entire bacterial ecosystem on the bottom part where my hands rest. I am almost kind of proud of it; there are so many life forms in there. Are you impressed? Should I take a picture? Let me know.

6. 15″ MacBook Pro. Ahhhhh, I feel like a new woman. Is there any better feeling than a fresh start, unsullied by the 30,000 image files (runway photos, makeup photos, basically everything I’ve ever liked on Tumblr) I absolutely do not need for any logical purpose but cannot bring myself to delete? None at all. Also, the screen is so big! I can see things! As I said to the general public of Facebook last night, “I wish I could stick my dick in it.” I stand by that statement, vulgar and uncouth as it is; I am but a lady, and I feel pretty good about it.