If your Facebook friends list is anywhere near as accurate as your actual friends list, chances are, you know a lot of people in relationships. Some of those relationships are good, but often, they are twisted, bizarre bent up pieces of metal soldered together with tears and awkward sex.
This is about those relationships. Following, we have 16 types of couples you’re probably friends with — or have at one time been a part of yourself.
1. The couple who thinks everybody is trying to bone them. They constantly have stories about how their neighbor/coworker/deli guy came onto them. Hey guys, nobody is trying to have sex with you.
2. The couple who is super openly passive-aggressive with each other. They snipe at each other constantly, and you’re like, “Why are you two even together when you obviously hate one another?” The reason? Their sex life is probably insane.
3. The couple that breaks up once week. These guys aren’t passive-aggressive, they’re aggressive-aggressive and they’re addicted to high-pitched drama.
4. The couple who’s always accusing each other of cheating. He reads her emails, she goes through his texts. They are the most insecure idiots you know, and somehow, like a moth to the flame, they’ve found each other.
5. The couple who is practically having sex on the table at your dinner party. Oh, these two. Did you forget they’re a couple? How could you, since they’ve constantly got their tongues shoved in each other’s orifices.
6. The couple who won’t do anything without the other one. You invite her for brunch. He shows up with her. Did you want to get drunk on mimosas and talk about the latest episode of “The Bachelor” with Greg? Probably not. But there he is.
7. The couple that’s completely devoid of PDA in public but then you find out they have a crazy good sex life. Sometimes you wonder what keeps these two together, because their spark isn’t obvious. And then she lets it slip that they’ve been having regular marathon bang sessions that leave her in bed all weekend, and you’re like, “whaaaaa?”
8. The couple which is obviously gunning to be a “power couple.” These two are drawn to each other because they see the obvious ambition and social-climbing capabilities of one another. They’re the first couple to split up and try and take over a room at a party, or try and manipulate the social scene they operate in. (See also: The Underwoods on “House of Cards”)
9. The couple that baby talks. “You’re my Professor Cuddlekins.” “I love my Katy-Wady.” Come on, fess up, you’ve done it, too.
10. The couple where one is obviously more intelligent/more attractive/way nicer than the other. You can’t understand why she’s dating him, because he seems so dumb. You just don’t get what he sees in her. But hey, there they are, happy as clams, defying evolution and the general laws of the universe.
11. The couple that still lives like they’re in college. How do these two keep at it with the drugs and the partying and the eating pizza 12 times a week? Answer: Trust funds.
12. The couple who could both do better, but stay together because they’re afraid. Loneliness, it’s one hell of a drug, and it’s what keeps these two together, despite the creeping feeling that they should really just break up.
13. The couple that are best friends, but probably nothing more. The love is there, but the passion is gone.
14. The couple who are really into being a team. They love stuff like trivia nights, softball teams and silly summer faux-lympics because it gives them a chance to show off how well they work together! These guys usually like throwing dinner parties, too, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
15. The couple where one person is clearly more invested than the other. She keeps subtly dropping hints about how she’s like to move across the country — without her girlfriend. Meanwhile, her girlfriend is picking out engagement rings.
16. The couple whose every move is documented via their social networking profiles. These two want the entire world to know how much they love each other. All the time. All up on your Facebook wall or in your Twitter feed. Get a room.