“The Bachelor” Recap: Tierra Will Not Lose Her Sparkle!

"The Bachelor," Ep. 6
Tierra sadly only ALMOST froze to death on this episode. Read More »
"The Bachelor," Ep. 4
Selma won't kiss Sean and Leslie gets a date fit for a hooker! Read More »
"The Bachelor," Ep. 5
Tierra has gone from terrible to TIERRAFYING. Read More »
RECAP!

We have reached a pivotal moment in every “Bachelor” series — it’s time for our lovelorn hunk to choose which four women will get to take him home to meet their families. Bachelor Bronze Sean Lowe has so whittled down his potential wives to six women: AshLee, Catherine, Dez, Lesley, Lindsay and Tierra. At this point, it’s hard for me to imagine which two girls Sean could possibly let go of, since he has off-the-walls chemistry with all of them, including the loathsome Tierra. Let’s see how he manages such an arduous task…

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Sean and his ladies have bid adieu to the frigid temperatures of Canada and have headed for the white, sandy beaches of St. Croix. The first one-on-one date goes to sweet orphan AshLee, much to Tierra’s chagrin. Tierra says AshLee is a cougar, because AshLee is … wait for it … 32 and isn’t married yet. Like, what is wrong with her, being all olllllld  and without a man? By the time Tierra is 32, she’ll be married already, okayyyy? Yeah, probably to her second or third (miserable) husband. I want to shove all 33, almost 34, birthday candles up Tierra’s ass.

AshLee and Sean’s date involves lots of swimming and frolicking on the beach, and AshLee is so glad to have found someone she can open up to because, reminder, she has abandonment issues. When Sean asks AshLee for how things are going in the house, she tells him the truth: that it’s the five of them versus Tierra, because Tierra is a psycho hosebeast. Well, she doesn’t put it that way, but does tell Sean about Tierra’s overall rudeness to everyone, except when he’s around to witness it. Sean says he trusts AshLee and so he’s starting to question Tierra’s sincerity.

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In the romantic evening portion of their date, Tierra says she has something very important to finally share with Sean, something she is very nervous to reveal, because it could be a dealbreaker. When she was a teenager, she had a rough relationship with her adoptive mother … and she had a boyfriend … and here is where I start to shout at my TV screen, “OH YES, PLEASE TELL ME ASHLEE HAD AN ABORTION WHEN SHE WAS A TEEN!” because that would be some seriously uncharted territory for “The Bachelor” and would actually be something I could see AshLee be nervous about confessing, especially on TV. But no. AshLee tells Sean she, gulp, got married at 17. Obvs they are divorced now. WOMP WOMP. Naturally, Sean doesn’t give a fuck, because why would he? Settle, AshLee, you’re all good. And hey, at least you can tell Tierra that you were married before you were 32.

Tierra gets the next one-on-one date, and Sean has lots of questions after getting AshLee’s take on why the other women don’t like Tierra. Is she sweet or not so sweet? Well, Sean, she’s definitely a pain in the ass. Tierra is not so stoked on being out and about in the city of St. Croix, because of all the bugs and the heat and the sweat. Tierra’s mood betters when she learns Sean is taking her shopping, one of her favorite things to do besides skinning cats and pouring sugar in gasoline tanks. He buys her a shell necklace and an eternity bracelet, which mean a lot to her because they are “the first things” she’s ever gotten from him and things obviously mean a lot to her.

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Sean hasn’t forgotten that he something’s rotten in Tierra-ville, and he asks her about how things have been in the house — and specifically that he’s heard about the tension between her and the other girls. Tierra is pissed that one of the women has “thrown her under the bus” though I don’t think she really understands what that phrase means.

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Tierra does damage control in the only way she knows how — by raising her evil eyebrow, batting her lashes, and professing to be falling in love with Sean. Sean, because he is a dolt, is completely won over by this, saying that Tierra doesn’t need to get along with the other women since it’s not like they live together forever, LOL!

Speaking of LOLs, Sean decided he really wanted to prank the girls by waking them up super early in the morning so he could, HAHAHAHA, see them with no makeup on. I don’t know if I said it here or on Twitter, but a few weeks ago, I pointed out that Sean seems like the type of guy who says he likes a girl with no makeup, but really means a girl with the no makeup “look.” Sooooo, what was the verdict? Sean was pleasantly surprised by how pretty they all looked, and that they look so much better than he does in the morning. I refuse to even clip this portion of the episode because it was so stupid.

The group date this week is with Lindsay, Dez and Catherine. To be honest, I got kind of distracted during this portion of the episode because I was drinking and texting, but my memory of it was that it was fairly uneventful, since these four women actually like each other. Lindsay especially continued to open up with Sean and he reflected on how surprised he was that the girl who showed up on night one in a wedding dress had turned out to be someone he has such a great connection with. He gave her the date rose, but I feel pretty confident that Dez and Catherine are also safe.

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Lesley I’m less sure of. Though she has been my favorite since day one, she hasn’t been as forthcoming with Sean as the other women, and when you’re being asked to fall madly in love in a matter of weeks, you really can’t drag your heels, even though that is the completely sane thing to do. Lesley gets the last one-on-one date with Sean, which involves walking in the woods and having yet another picnic. Neverending picnics on this show, I swear. I have never been on a romantic picnic, can I just say that? Anyway, Lesley has started to fall in love with Sean, but she can’t bring herself to say it “yet.” You snooze, you probably lose, Les.

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CAT FIGHT TIME!!!! So, Sean still has his reservations about Tierra, so he invites his sister Shay to St. Croix to meet her (and the other girls? it’s unclear). He tells his sister about Tierra’s inability to get along with the other women, and Shay gives him immediate side eye. Shay has a brain and knows that it’ll be a major problem for Sean down the line is Tierra can’t get along with other women. Meanwhile, Tierra has decided to confront AshLee about “sabotaging” her with Sean. AshLee tells her she only answered Sean’s questions about her with the truth. AshLee calls out Tierra’s evil eyebrow — which, by the way, has its own Twitter — and Tierra responds, “That’s my face! That’s my eyebrow! I can’t control my eyebrow!” Tierra says she refuses to let anyone take her “sparkle.” Seriously, HER SPARKLE. Does she mean evil bitch dust?

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Sean comes to grab Tierra so he can bring her to meet Shay, and finds Miss Sparkle in a puddle of tears. Tierra is obviously looking to pull the same sympathy card she’s been using since day one, but she goes a bit overboard this time and Sean finally catches on that she is totally unstable, though he seems to feel sorry for her, as opposed to seeing her for the conniving villain she really is. Regardless, it’s been made abundantly clear to him that Tierra is not meant to be his wife — and he sends her home. She leaves without saying goodbye to the other women and they have no idea what happened to her either.

The women are anxiously awaiting Sean’s arrival at the cocktail party, wondering if Tierra is off with him. AshLee is worried that Tierra might have convinced Sean that she was the drama starter in the house and that she’ll be sent home. Sean gives her good reason to feel that way — when he arrives, he explains that Tierra went home, that he’s not interested in drama, and that his mind is already made up about who else won’t be getting a rose tonight. AshLee is freaking out. One by one, Sean gives out the remaining three roses (since Lindsay already has hers). First, Dez. Then, Catherine. Finally, the final rose. It goes to … AshLee.

Lesley, who couldn’t say I love you “yet,” is sent home. She’s upset, but not nearly as upset as Catherine, who admits that Lesley has more in common with Sean than she does, and Lesley’s departure leaves her confused about what Sean wants. I, on the other hand, am left confused about Catherine wants. If she thinks Sean and Lesley would be better together, why the hell is she still around? Color me confused.

Oh, and allow me to be the first to say, LESLEY FOR “BACHELORETTE”!!!

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