Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around.
First up, Andrew Mendoza, of Danavang, Texas, was mad because his girlfriend didn’t want him to put a baby in her. So he did what any baby-crazy guy would do: He had sex with a horse, in an effort to make a half-human/half-horse baby. In a written statement, Mendoza was angry that his girlfriend hadn’t called him back, and told himself that he’d go and have sex with a horse if she didn’t return his call. (His words: “mess with the neighbor’s horse”). Here is Mendoza’s heartfelt explanation: “I was trying to make the horse have a baby. I was thinking it would have a horseman baby. I ain’t going to lie, I blew a nut in the horse.” Wow.
Awesome Boyfriend Rating: 2 (bold, but points ultimately deducted for nonconsensual sex with an animal)
Detroit man Callius Moon has maybe watched one too many episodes of “Cop Rock.” Moon, who is facing felony charges for malicious destruction of fire or police property and resisting or obstructing a police officer, attempted to mount his defense via rap. According to CBS Detroit, who obviously doesn’t understand the latent power of freestyle rap, Moon “sang that people were trying to ‘put it on [him],’ among other things. He then offered a few additional verses in which he began to use profanity. It was then that District Judge John Chmura told Moon ‘that’s good’ and the ‘show’s over.’” Moon then apparently reconsidered his rapping strategy, and asked for a court-appointed attorney.
Awesome Boyfriend Rating: 6 (points deducted on account of being in jail)
Next, Frank Hannibal made a silly little joke about his gourmet peanut butter being an explosive, but because the TSA totally can’t take a joke, they though he was seeeeerious. It seems the TSA screener though the layer of oil sitting on top of Hannibal’s organic peanut butter looked a bit suspicious. “They’re looking to confiscate my explosives,” Hannibal joked to his wife, which is totally a funny ha-ha to make at JFK Airport. And because choosy TSAs choose Jif, Hannibal spent more than 24 hours in lockup. Adding insult to creamy delicious injury, the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches served in jail were totally sub par.
Awesome Boyfriend Rating: 5 (because he’s obviously a food snob).
And finally, there is an unnamed Nebraska man, who took drive-thru to a whole new level. The man stopped at a local Valentino’s restaurant to order pizza, but accidentally had his foot stuck on the gas pedal and drove through the restaurant. According to one witness, “the gentleman said his foot had stuck on the gas and he was going to go ahead and order some pizza, so he wasn’t too upset it about evidently, but it sure was a surprise to us.”
Awesome Boyfriend Rating: 10+ (because he likes pizza and has a car).
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