5 Suggested Story Lines For The New Anne Of Green Gables

So, by now you’ve probably seen the travesty that is this updated Anne of Green Gables cover (that’s it above, no joke). Apparently Anne as an awkward, freckled redhead is out; Anne as a hot, blonde, busty bombshell with bedroom eyes is in. If you’ve read the books, you know this ridiculous makeover actually renders most of the important plot lines completely irrelevant (we can’t really see Anne renouncing God for giving her perfect skin and wavy, golden hair), so we thought we’d help out the publishers by proposing a few updated story ideas for their updated heroine…

1. Gilbert Blythe flirts with Anne by calling her “Parsnips,” a reference to the yellow color of her gorgeous, flowing blonde hair. Anne rolls her eyes and informs him she’s already dating the senior quarterback at the one room schoolhouse a few towns over.

2. Matthew goes to pick up his new child at the train station, but he can’t find her. Because he was expecting a boy? Nope! Because Anne already accepted a ride from one of the hundreds of eager suitors who offered to show her around Prince Edward Island.

3. Fed up with her boring blonde hair, Anne decides to take matters into her own hands and adds some sassy highlights. Marilla takes one look at the results and says, “Anne Shirley, what have you done to your hair? And could you do it to mine, too?”

4. At the local dress shop, Anne mentions how much she yearns for a dress with puffed sleeves. The owner overhears and offers her a puffed sleeve dress for free, providing that Anne model it on the cover of the store’s print advertisement.

5. Anne gets wasted at a frat party after playing what she thought was raspberry cordial pong, and makes out with her BFF Diana. The next day, the two must decide if they want to stay platonic bosom friends or something more…