No boyfriend? No problem. All you really need to celebrate this tres romantic Hallmark holiday is a feline friend or two. Just ask this gentleman, who spends much of his free time serenading his cat with Seal’s classic love song “Kiss From A Rose.” No shame in that, guy! If all else fails, and your cat just isn’t satisfying your emotional needs, why not browse the Purrsonals to see if you can find a mate for life? Just make sure your cat approves first. There is such a thing as emotional cheating. And listen, things could be worse; you could be Henri. Here are five things I’ll be doing with my cats this Valentine’s Day — I urge you to follow my lead and take your meow machines out to a beautiful candlelit dinner. They sure deserve it for putting up with your shit.
1. Go for a long stroll by the water. Any body of water will do: lake, stream, ocean, bathtub, small dish. Cats aren’t picky. (Yes they are.) If you have a cat who likes to go outdoors, it is probably a good idea to hook him or her up to a leash or harness to walk alongside you. Here is a great harness I found for cats. I think it was actually made for dingos, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less functional. Insert cat in harness and adjust for a snug fit. Don’t bother trying to take your cat out in the world without some kind of restraint, because they’ll be embarrassed to be seen with you in public and try to run away. No offense.
2. Stay in for a sanctioned date night. Get that cat in your lap, even if it’s by force, and throw on a movie! Cats love movies. Here are some good movies featuring cats to watch with your cat: “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore,” “Alice in Wonderland,” “Stuart Little,” “Catwoman,” “Shrek 2,” “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties,” “Puss in Boots,” “Catnapped!” (not for easily frightened cats or young kittens), “The Passion of the Christ.” Let your cat gently nibble the top of your head, like kisses, but more of a test to see if you would be good to eat. If you aren’t sure where exactly to pet your cat during the movie for maximum movie-time romance, refer to this handy guide.
3. Speaking of eating, cook a gourmet dinner. More specifically, you’ll want to hunt, torture, and eventually kill your gourmet dinner, but don’t forget to play with it for several hours first. Ideal prey includes small birds, rats, mice, squirrels, spiders, chipmunks, butterflies, exposed ankles.
4. Listen to some tunes. Maybe even do some dancing! Here is a step-by-step guide to dancing with your cat: first, lower your human self to cat height on the floor. If your cat will hop up on a counter or table to make things easier for you, even better. Gently hold the cat beneath the front armpits and lift onto hind legs. Move the cat around a little. Look, you’re dancing! Screeches and errant claws are just his way of saying “I love the jive.”
5. Take a long nap. Like, a really long nap. Wrap your tail around your head in order to create a ball formation (this is scientifically proven to be the warmest and most comfortable position for long-term napping). When you wake up the next day, stretch, scratch some furniture, and play with a feather or a bit of string, then finish it all off with another nap. This, my friends, is the recipe for a Valentine’s Day well-spent.