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“The Bachelor” Recap: Tierra Has Gone From Terrible To Frightening

"The Bachelor," Ep. 4
Selma won't kiss Sean and Leslie gets a date fit for a hooker! Read More »
"The Bachelor," Ep. 3
A kissing record is broken! Read More »
"The Bachelor," Ep. 2
Sean and Robyn discuss racial diversity on the show. Read More »
Surprise!

Last night, prior to watching “The Bachelor,” I was chatting away on the phone with a friend. “Oh shit, I gotta go,” I said. “I have to watch ‘The Bachelor.’”

“Ughhhh,” he moaned. “I feel so sorry for you.”

“Don’t,” I assured him. “This season is awesome.” And I meant it. This season has ladies who are insane but entertaining (um, Tierra), women I actually think are intelligent and mature (Lesley, Robyn), and a Bach at the center of it all who doesn’t repulse me. I’m not even irritated that this week has not one but two episodes, both two-hours long. Four hours of “The Bachelor” and I don’t even mind? Dang. Let’s get to recapping the first of those now. (The second airs tonight, so I’ll recap it tomorrow.) 

Chris Harrison has some news. This week, there will be one one-on-one date, one group date, and one dreaded two-on-one date. The two-on-one date is very scary because at the end of it, Sean must send one woman packing. I tend to think that if you get picked for a two-on-one date, that means one of two things: Sean has already decided on who he is keeping and is just going through the motions or he’s wishy-washy about both women and it’s a toss up as to who he’ll eliminate. Two favorites never go up against one another on the two-on-one. Oh, and P.S., all of these dates will be taking place in Montana, because the whole gang is leaving the ABC back lot.

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So, back to the one-on-one date … Lindsay is the lucky woman! She’s come such a long way from stepping out of the limo on night one in a wedding dress, huh? She and Sean go for a helicopter ride and then share a picnic with a spectacular view. Sean loves that Lindsay is so outdoorsy, though I don’t know that a helicopter ride and a picnic is quite the same as, say, whitewater rafting. Lindsay and Sean both note how welllll they know each other already, which is just the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard in my life. They’ve probably spent a grand total of five hours alone together, and none of that time was under the influence of super chatty drugs that make you get all deep and shit. Come on. They don’t even know each other’s middle names or how they like their coffee in the morning. Later on in the evening, the two were serenaded by a singer I’ve never heard of, so you know it was yet another intense bonding experience and blah blah blah, it’s like they’ve been married 20 years. Sean gives Lindsay a rose and she seems to be coasting to the final four.

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Group date time! Tierra and Jackie are the only remaining women, which means they’ll be going on the two-on-one date — more on that soon. Tierra should probably be glad she didn’t get the group date though, as I don’t see her getting along with goats very well. Yes, goats. This group date involves another challenge — the women are divided up into two teams and are asked to compete in a relay race. They have to canoe down the river, buck hay, saw a log, and milk a goat. And then they have to drink the goat’s milk. OMG goat’s milk, ewww, OMG, right? Ugh, it’s not sloth semen, you wimps! In the end, the Red Team (Selma, Desiree, Sarah and Robyn) beats the Blue Team (AshLee, Lesley, Daniella and Catherine), thanks to some truly bad ass (eye roll) milk chugging by Des. The Blue Team is sent home all sad — until Sean realizes he really can’t go into the next rose ceremony without spending more quality time with them too, so he invites them back making the whole goat milk-drinking competition silliness a waste of my and their damn time. The Red Team is pissed, because they thought this was “Survivor.”

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While the Red Team is busy being pissed about the Blue Team getting stick around for the rest of the date, Tierra is busy out-plotting all of them. First of all, she is PISSED that Sean is making her go on the two-on-one, as if she is at risk for going home. She ain’t havin’ that. Tierra marches her butt on over to where the group date is going on and sneaks up behind Sean as he’s giving an on-camera interview. Seriously, just watch for Tierra’s little head to pop up in the background and come closer and closer to Sean until finally — SURPRISE! And Sean, because he is blinded by her Cupie doll smile, just lets her steal some of his precious one-on-one time while the group daters, none the wiser. Listen, I can appreciate being aggressive and going after what you want, but Tierra is a straight up Gremlin. Seriously, Sean, be careful.

It’s cute until it gets mad.

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The rest of the group date is rather ho-hum. Sean especially seems to have a great connection with Catherine. But one girl is feeling left out — Daniella, who hasn’t had a whole lot of camera time and very little one-on-one time with Sean (she’s only been on group dates), finally has had enough of his lack of attention. Daniella is one of those girls that I think Sean decided that he was realllllly attracted to early on, so he’s putting off investing much time with her until he’s worked his way through the ladies he’s less sure about, attraction-wise. But to reassure her, he gives her the group date rose. Clearly, if you tell Sean you’re feeling insecure, he will go above and beyond to make you feel more secure, which obviously annoys the women who aren’t as aggressive.

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Okay, two-on-one date time! I can already tell you where this is going to go. Like Daniella, Jackie has barely had any screen time. She’s going up against Tierra, who is obviously Sean’s favorite since night one. Plus, Tierra’s already got a leg up on Jackie by surprising Sean on his group date. Jackie is toast, but she gives it her all, though she, like other women before her (ahem, Kacie) makes the mistake of talking about Tierra during her one-on-one time, telling Sean about how differently Tierra acts in the house with the other women. Sean takes it much better coming from Jackie, but still, all Sean wants is to trust Tierra, and gives her the opportunity to defend herself.

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Tierra tells Sean some sob story about her first love being a drug addict and dying. I want a fact check on this, like, ASAP. Naturally, Jackie is shit out of luck and Tierra gets the rose. Bye bye Jackie!

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Later, at the cocktail party, the ladies are mourning the loss of sweet Jackie. What’s left unsaid is that she was sacrificed so that Tierra could live, but Tierra knows what they’re implying and storms off. I actually don’t blame her. I know Tierra is crazy, but the women are kind of being passive aggressive towards her and why should she sit around and listen to it? Anyway, the women try to talk to Tierra about how she confusing she is in her behavior, being friendly with them only when Sean is around. She, for whatever reason, lashed back and is like, “Whatever, I can engaged anytime, anywhere, there are tons of guys in the world!” Sean walks by mid-rant and is shocked — shocked! — to see his beloved Cupie Doll in full on Grelim form. He takes her aside and she cries about the other women being against her. Sean is not stoked on all this drama. Not. At. All.

It’s rose ceremony time. Sean is concerned, after seeing all the drama this week, that none of these women might be for him. But his duty calls! Lindsay, Daniella and Tierra all have roses, and the remaining roses go to Selma, AshLee, Sarah, Catherine, Lesley, and Des. Poor Robyn is sent home, crushing my dream of a Black woman making it to the final four. She wonders if Sean thinks she was the one starting all the drama, when it’s been Tierra all along.

The previews for tonight’s episode look good. Tierra gets “sick/hurt” again and everyone thinks she’s faking. I’ll be back tomorrow with that recap.

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