Earlier this week, Rachel, Jessica and I went to a screening of the new zombie movie “Warm Bodies” (in theaters February 1), and Rachel and I instantly developed uncomfortably real crush feelings for the movie’s star, Nicholas Hoult. (See also: Nicholas Hoult Gifs and Gratuitous Nicholas Hoult Photos post, please, for evidence.) Like, it’s all we’ve been talking about for the last few days and I’m starting to feel legitimately freaked out by how hot I think he is.
But here’s the thing: I’m not sure if we’re crushing on actual Nicholas Hoult or R, the character he plays in “Warm Bodies.” And yes, R is a fricking zombie. But based on R, it seems like zombies would make actually really good boyfriends. Here’s why…
1. He doesn’t really talk, so he can’t say something stupid that would ruin the whole thing. Zombie R can mostly only grunt, so he’s not prone to saying something rude or shitty or totally sexist that would be a major bummer.
2. He won’t try to take advantage of you. Seriously, R is a brains-eating zombie dude, but because he’s so in love with Teresa Palmer’s character Julie, he doesn’t try to eat her, or even bone her.
3. He’ll bring you blankets and food. Zombies don’t really eat food, so he won’t wrestle you for the last bagel. They also don’t really have a pulse or anything, so they don’t get cold or hot — which means no stealing the blankets!
4. He’ll watch over you while you sleep. Zombies don’t sleep, because hello, they’re zombies. Instead, zombies like R will do that sweet/creepy thing of watching you while you sleep. LOVE!
5. He’ll appreciate your record collection. R, like a good indie record collector, prefers vinyl to digital. Because zombies can still be music snobs!
6. There’s no competition from other girls. Because all the human girls are scared of him and the zombie women have cold, clammy vaginas.
7. Zombie sperm is technically dead. So you can’t get pregnant.
8. He’s heroic! R saved Julie’s life from the other zombies, like, seven times. Maybe it’s because he’s dead, so you know, he can’t be killed again, but maybe it’s because he’s just really brave.
9. He’s got that goth look down. Because he’s already dead!
10. He doesn’t exactly have any plans for the rest of eternity. So you’re always his #1 priority.
11. None of his friends really talk, either. So you won’t get stuck hanging out with a bunch of insufferable assholes. Not ones who speak, at least.
12. He’s dead, so he doesn’t drink. Which means you’ll never have to babysit him after one too many shots.
13. He’s constantly moaning. Huge turn-on, right?
Contact the author of this post at Julie@thefrisky.com and follow her on Twitter at @havethehabit