“The Bachelor” Recap: One Woman Won’t Kiss Sean & Another Gets A Date Fit For A Hooker

"The Bachelor," Ep. 3
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"The Bachelor," Ep. 2
Sean and Robyn discuss racial diversity on the show. Read More »
"The Bachelor," Ep. 1
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Recap!

I’ve talked a lot about the diversity on “The Bachelor” this season, specifically focusing on the two black women who’ve made it farther than in any of the previous seasons. But there are also two other women of color in Sean’s group of lucky paramours — Catherine, who’s Asian, and Selma, who’s Iraqi. Last night, we got to learn a little more about Selma’s Muslim upbringing and how it affects her approach to appearing on “The Bachelor.” Let the recapping begin!

Drumroll … who’s getting the first one-on-one date with Sean this week? It’s Selma! Selma and Sean have had serious heat between them all season, but haven’t had much alone time, so what does Sean have planned for their special date? He wants to take classy, perfectly-coiffed, always-in-heels Selma and drop her in the middle of the desert — for a little rock climbing. Sean like a gal who can be outdoorsy. I suspect that he is also one of those dudes who says (and probably thinks) he prefers “no makeup” on a woman, when he really means he prefers the “no makeup look.” Anyway, Selma is not particularly psyched about mountaineering. The dry heat makes her feel all puffy. As for rock climbing? She’s a tiny little pocket person; how is she going to manage scaling such a huuuuuuge rock? Turns out, she fares just fine and gets to the top before Sean does, despite the gravity of her breasts holding her down. Looking at the vast horizon from the top of the rock, Selma is proud of herself for roughing it for a day. Sean, meanwhile, has managed to get even tanner in the process.

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The second part of their date is a little more swanky than rock-climbing, but hardly the four-star affair Selma hopes for. They’re glamping! Glamping is camping for high maintenance bitches who can’t go anywhere without a cold bottle of chardonnay, air conditioning and their La Mer moisturizer. Sean and Selma share some wine and cuddle and Selma tells him a little more about her strict Muslim background. Her mother, it turns out, is not particularly happy about her being on the show and Selma is clear with Sean that she won’t be kissing him, especially on camera, until they are, basically, exclusive. So, you know, when he gives her the final rose and probably pops the question. Sean is respectful of Selma’s beliefs, but I can’t help but wonder if his patience is going to wear thin soon — while many dudes (generalizing!) get extra hard boners for women they can’t “have,” I can’t quite see Sean giving his final rose to someone who he hasn’t even kissed, especially when he’s been lip-locking with everyone else.

Group date time! Sean is taking the gaggle of girls to play roller derby. Jeez, Sean is really looking to have the women emphasize their gaudy cocktail dresses with some bruises, huh? Amanda, the one everyone finds creepy, lies and tells everyone she actually does roller derby back at home, hoping to psych them out. Maybe it works, or maybe the rest of the women just can’t skate, but barely any of them make it all the way around the rink without eating shit multiple times. Even Amanda, who starts off skating okay, bites it hard, and ends up having to go the hospital to make sure she hasn’t broken her jaw. Your plan failed, Amanda! Whoops!

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But the person we should really feel bad for is Sarah, who’s afraid her one arm is going to home her back on this date. Uh, no kidding. Part of staying upright in a set of skates is having BALANCE and when you’re missing a limb, your balance is thrown off. Talk about unfair. Sarah obviously has confidence issues and is ready to just give up, but both AshLee (who seems like such a genuine person) and Sean encourage her to keep trying. I don’t know that Sarah will be ready for a longterm relationship (with Sean or anyone) until she conquers at least some of self-esteem issues, but I like her a lot and actually think maybe appearing on the show and seeing herself tackle these hurdles will bring her closer to that.

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On the second half of the group date, everyone is getting irritated with Tierra, I mean, Tierrable, and Tierrable is getting irritated by everyone else. She decides to throw a tiemper-tantrum about the girls being so meaaaaaaaan to hear, which Sean just laps up like the dumb puppy he is. I really like Sean, honestly, so it disappoints me to see him get so bamboozled by such a childish fit. Because he not only comforts poor baby Tierrable, but rewards her pity party with a rose. Don’t think Tierra is that terrible? Check out the evil smile that slowly creeps across her face when Sean dashes off to get the rose. Wicked. 

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Time for another “Bachelor” first! Leslie becomes the first black woman to get a one-on-one date! Too bad her date is sooooooo revolting. Sean takes her on date straight out of … wait for it … “Pretty Woman.” Now, “Pretty Woman” is a movie I will basically watch almost every time it comes on TV, but the whole time, it makes me angry. That movie is probably the most offensive fairytale ever. Hapless hooker with a heart of gold just needs a rich man to save/purify her with his money and conditional affection! Ick. Anyway, putting aside how problematic the film is, am I alone in thinking it’s a weird and maybe a little offensive date? Sure, I wouldn’t mind shopping on Rodeo Dr., but having Robyn essentially playing the role of hooker Julia Roberts being showered with clothes and jewels paid for by Sean’s role as the Richard Gere in this scenario, who, may I remind you, was a condescending and infantilizing john, is more than a little WTF. I mean, not that a single person on the show mentioned the plot of the movie. The words “prostitute,” “hooker” and “whore” were never mentioned, although Chris Harrison, the “Bachelor”‘s host, did respond on Twitter last night, that the hooker role in “Pretty Woman” is “a nice pretty hooker so it’s ok.” Which I guess means they won’t be doing a “Leaving Las Vegas”-inspired date next season?

Anyway, blah blah blah, Leslie’s “Pretty Woman” date does not have a happily ever after. Sean doesn’t feel romantic sparks so he sends her packing.

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Cocktail party and rose ceremony time! The ladies who didn’t get much alone time with Sean this week go in for the kill. Amanda is back from the hospital and her chin is fine, though she tries to milk her injury for sympathy. Catherine and Sean make out in the shadows a bit. Robyn sequesters Sean on a couch and tries her best pickup line on him. “Do you want some chocolate? Do you want some of this chocolate? How about some of this chocolate?” pointing to herself. This awful and played out line apparently works on Sean, however, who gives Robyn a kiss.

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Tierra, meanwhile, is still fuming that everyone in the house isn’t worshipping her for being the special, pretty little flower that she is, and decides to clear the air with Robyn, her main foe. Because she “hates drama,” you guys. I’m pretty sure if you’re someone who constantly declares “I hate drama!” you are probably causing the most.

Selma and Tierra already have roses, and the remaining roses go to Catherine, Des, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie and Daniella. I fully expected Sean to give the final rose to Amanda because she’s gotten way more camera time than Jackie and, wait, WHO THE HELL IS JACKIE, again? Oh, she’s the girl who dyes her hair with Feria. Clearly. Anyway, peace out Amanda. I will miss your creepy stares.

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