The 15 Most Bizarre Things We’ve Heard In Bed (Inspired By “Girls”)

Warning: Spoilers and NSFW video. We’ve had some bizarre sexual encounters in our day, but Marnie and Booth’s coupling on last night’s episode of “Girls” was beyond creepy (okay, and hilarious). When Marnie ran into “that smeege of a man” as Hannah called him (I’m stealing that!), Booth took her back to his place to show her his work. He proceeded to lock Marnie into his panic attack-inducing art installation cage where TV screens flickered disturbing images and Duncan Sheik’s “Barely Breathing” played on a loop. Meanwhile he checked his email and had a snack. Seriously, I almost couldn’t watch because I was getting claustrophobic. It was very Willy Wonka when he takes the kids on that crazy boat ride. Not to fret! It got weirder! Booth freed Marnie from his art prison, comforted her and fucked her, reciting a sex script so bizarre, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I don’t think Marnie did either. Seriously, this exact thing must have happened to one of the writers. It’s just not possible to make this shit up.

The sex dialogue went as follows:

Booth: Give me everything.
Marnie: OK.
Booth: Let me control you.
Booth: Look at the doll. Look at her.
Marnie: OK.
Booth: Describe her, how’s she feeling?
Marnie: She feels sassy.
Booth: No, she’s sad. Are you on the pill?

WHOA. WHAT!? I can only guess that this panic attack art/doll projection exercise is Booth’s finest seduction technique. Below, some of the most uncomfortable things that we’ve heard during sex. But no, there have never been any dolls.

1. “I want to lick your armpit.
2. “Hello, bum freckle.”
3. “There was one guy who could not get off without stringing together a bunch of foul words that made no sense as a sentence. For example: ‘F**k whore a**hole bitch f**k c**t p***y s**t!’ So ridiculous.”
4. “You’re the first biological woman I’ve had sex with in a long time …”
5. “My last girlfriend had a bangin’ body.”
6. “Your ass tastes like butterscotch.”
7. “I’m sorry, I don’t always cry like this.”
8. “Can I cut you?”
9. “You’re like a man in bed.”
10. “I wanna shave you first.”
11. “You’re not pulling my balls hard enough.”
12. “Don’t worry, my mom has heard me have sex before.”
13. “If we go back to my place, my roommate will totally join in.”
14. “I’m a stranger. You don’t know me, I’m a stranger, you don’t know me. I’m a stranger you don’t know me.”
15. “Could you wash this?” (Handing me a used butt plug.)

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