I’ve been going to the same vagina waxer for almost six years now. When you tell people that you wax down there, often their first question is: Isn’t that awkward to have someone all up in your vagina like that? The answer is no. Good waxers make you feel like your vagina is disinteresting. Or mundane. And I mean that in the best possible way. Good waxers look at your vagina the way a grocery store cashier looks at a carton of milk; only enough to make sure they’ve scanned it properly at check out. Vaginas are just kind of a non-issue to them. I know there is some debate as to whether or not it’s appropriate to talk to one’s waxer while she is working on the vagina. I say yes. After six years of waxing my muff once a month, I pretty much consider my waxer, almost, kind of, a friend. We’re not friends, but she knows what’s going on in my life and I know what’s going on in hers. I’ve been with her through two pregnancies and she’s been with me through four times as many breakups. All that being said, there have been a few really uncomfortable moments we’ve shared over the years.
1. When she was visibly disappointed that it hurt too much to let her wax my entire labia. This was our first time together. I made an appointment for a Brazilian because I like my butthole waxed, but my vagina lips are too sensitive to get all the hair off. Like, I cry. So, she was ambitious and tried to do it anyway, even though I warned her my vagina was wimpy. I started sweating and crying and made her stop. Then I had one bald vagina lip and one furry one. Another thing about good waxers is that they are anal. They enjoy picking your ingrown hairs and feel like they’ve failed at life if your hairstyle down there is uneven. I could tell that that I’d crushed her. I wanted to comfort her by telling her to make me bald, but I just couldn’t.
2. The first time she told me to lie on my stomach and spread my ass cheeks. For a while she made me put my legs up in the air and spread my ass cheeks. Then I guess she decided to switch techniques. She told me to get on my stomach and spread my ass cheeks. I just looked at her like she had asked me to have anal sex with her. She looked back, like, What’s your problem? So I did something I haven’t even done for any of my boyfriends .. well, maybe one or two.
3. That time she was talking shit about one of her friends and I realized I knew the person she was talking about. My waxer was complaining about one of her friends who had named her baby something stupid and how they’d gotten in a fight about it. “What’s the baby’s name?” I asked. When she told me, I realized it was one of my friend’s good friends. You can’t forget a name like that. It was awkward, but for the record, my waxer was right — the name was incredibly stupid.
4. That time she waxed my vagina with her sick baby strapped to her back. My waxer’s infant was sick and her husband was out of town, so she had no choice but to bring the baby to work. She asked me if it was OK with me. I was like, sure. But then while the baby was strapped to her back and reaching toward my vagina and crying, I felt weird.
5. That time I asked if that giant, infected ingrown hair looked like an STD. I needed to ask someone who had seen a lot of vaginas. And it wasn’t quite serious enough for me to see the doctor. I mean, I technically knew it wasn’t an STD. I was sure it was an infected , ingrown hair, but it felt good to get a second opinion.