Dear Kenneth Guillespie,
I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth, let’s be real here — you almost lost your dick. If you put your penis in a snowman, you’re going to get frostbite. That’s how it works. But I’m sure you weren’t thinking clearly. Because you were wasted. (The neighbors found a pile of empties near the snowman carnage.)
Apparently, you have lots of these sorts of mishaps while drunk. “Occasionally he’ll get trapped in something or get an object wedged up him. But this is the most bizarre mishap yet,” said a hospital employee who knows you as a regular visitor.
Kenneth, it’s time to get help. You used to be a mailman. Look how far you’ve fallen. There is hope for you. Let this snowman incident be the last of its kind. Save yourself. And if you don’t care enough to save yourself, save your penis.