Ladies, I’ve got some life tips. Cheat codes, even. I don’t know much about life, but what I’ve learned is that blah blah blah “Wonder Years” episode whatever. Let’s just get to it. Here’s what I have to offer…
1. That guy or girl at the bar or party that you want to talk to? Just fucking do it. If you don’t, they’ll leave, and you’ll always wonder what would have happened. If you need an opening line, use mine, it works 9 out of 10 times: “Do you know Tyler?” Everyone knows a Tyler. They’ll talk about their Tyler, you’ll talk about yours, you’ll realize they’re not the same Tyler, and you’ll go from there. If they don’t know a Tyler then you say, “Sorry, I meant Ryan.”
2. Please, just dance in your room. Put on your favorite song or playlist and just do it.
3. Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full.
4. Be kind to people. You could gain a friend or someone who could help you out later in life. Being mean to them will gain you nothing.
5. “The future’s open wide.” — Modern English.
6. Again, I just have to reiterate: don’t be a dick.
7. Help your friends.
8. But don’t loan your friends anything unless you’re okay with never seeing it again.
9. Buy the good tampons. This is not the place to save money.
10. “The Shining” is actually a really good holiday film. And not just Christmas — Valentine’s Day is coming up!
11. Please don’t ever tell anyone “You look tired.” We know when we look tired.
12. You’re more likely to spend more money when you don’t have it than when you do. So basically hide your credit card when you’re broke and use cash only.
13. It’s so hard not to want everything now. But some things require a slow burn.
14. Some things, however are not worth waiting for. Like the dude who hasn’t texted you back after a week. Not. Worth. It.
15. It helps to have a favorite TV show to look forward to every week. It’s just nice to have a little something that makes you think, Oh yay, I get a happy little slice of time for 30-60 minutes.
16. I’m just going to say this again, because it’s important: don’t be an asshole. Especially not on purpose.
What are your life tips?