Be My Boyfriend: Naked Burglar Who Jumped On Roof, Emptied Vacuum & Masturbated In A Stranger’s House

Julie Gerstein | January 23, 2013 - 11:20 am

Dear Gregory Matthew Bruni,

You sound like quite an impressive criminal — even for Florida, which is full of impressive criminals. It seems this past Monday you were bored after dinner/high on bath salts so you decided to strip down to your b-day suit and jump on over to your neighbor’s roof. Except, whoops! That dude was home, and none to pleased to have a naked stranger doing a jig on his house.

Weird, right?

A chase ensued, in which you, naked and frothing ran into your neighbor’s home, toppled a TV and emptied the contents of a vacuum cleaner (which, I admit, was rather sadistic, even for you). Following the vacuum cleaner business, you started heading to your neighbor’s son’s room, which is where, inexplicably, the family kept the guns. So your neighbor’s wife fired off a warning shot in your direction. And then you did what any normal person might do in said situation. I defer to the arrest report:

Bruni fell to the floor — but then began pleasuring himself. He got up off the floor, ran into the son’s bedroom and began rubbing clothing on his face.

Did the clothes feel good? Is this a typical masturbation ritual?Do you have a particular fabric you enjoy? Tell me about it — just as soon as you get out of jail.

In the meantime, I’ll just have to settle for your Facebook page.