Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Wants To Eradicate All Cats To Save The Birds

Dear Gareth Morgan,

I’ll bet you are getting a lot of hate mail right now. I know that there are going to be a lot of people out there who think you are a heartless monster for your efforts to eradicate New Zealand’s cat population. (Actually, I’ll probably get hate mail for even writing you this note. My co-workers might disown me. I might need to start wearing a disguise to work!)

Your blog, CatsToGo, takes a tough stand against felines: “That little ball of fluff you own is a natural born killer.” Whoa. That’s serious. You go on to suggest that cat owners can either euthanize their cats or neuter them and replace them when they die. That’s harsh, Gareth, even for someone who doesn’t care for the little natural born killers. (Me!)

But before people accuse you of being sociopathic animal murderer, you are doing this all for a noble cause: the birds. You fear that New Zealand’s native birds are being wiped out by the arrival of mankind and it’s predators (cats!). You have a dream Gareth. And you can’t hate a man with a dream. “Imagine a New Zealand teeming with native wildlife, penguins on the beach, kiwis roaming about in your garden … Imagine hearing birdsong in our cities,” you say. Gareth, I got choked up thinking about that. Really, I did. But then I was pulled back to reality thinking that the eradication of cats might disturb the whole balance of the ecosystem. That would suck.

Good luck with your crusade against cats, Gareth. I try my hardest to practice ahimsa, which is a Sanskrit term meaning “to do no harm,” so I won’t be joining you in your anti-cat crusade. I’ll just continue to ignore cats and pretend that they don’t exist like I always have. I’ll continue to refuse to date male cat owners in silent solidarity.

Perhaps on the planet KOI, cats won’t exist. That’s really the most I will hope for. Until then, I will listen for birdsong.

Yours in spirit but not in action,

Ami Angelowicz

[Seattle Times]