Yes, There’s A Yelp Review For That: 6 NYC Jail Reviews

Going to jail is (usually) not funny. But writing a Yelp review about going to jail? That’s hilarious. Randomly, I came across a Yelp listing for NYC’s Central Booking, which is the holding pen for freshly arrested criminals and would-be criminals, which is also lovingly referred to as “the Tombs.” (It’s also heavily featured on every Law & Order franchise ever). People who are arrested are brought to Central Booking to be arraigned, and often minor criminals — violations of open container laws, or turnstyle jumpers — are mixed in with more hardened criminals. It’s not a very luxe place, as you might imagine.

But because New Yorkers have opinions on everything, past Central Booking occupants had a lot to say on the quality of their CB stay. Read on for their illustrious jailhouse reviews.

Yelper Davisha D.:

As anyone with half a fucking brain knows, treat your captors with respect and you’re likely to get SOME respect back, and I was not treated badly by anyone. Junkies in withdrawal do not make great conversation; many two-dollar hookers do.

Yelper Gabby M.:

Two stars because I’ve been to clubs worse than this with a longer line, and the car was returned unscratched. Thank goodness they didn’t find what was under the tissue in the cup holder.

Yelper Fallopia T.:

My cellmates have been far-and-away the best thing about getting arrested; there were a couple of teenage girls one time who had gotten busted in Washington Square Park for smoking a joint. (Who knew?) There was the owner of the SoHo boutique who was arrested simply for possession of counterfeit “LV” bags; she was not selling them in her store, and didn’t have them out on the selling floor. These are your tax dollars at work, people.

Of course, somebody had to complain about the food. Cue Yelper Martin O.:

Their menu needs work.The Kool-Aid helps the nasty water taste a little bit better, but their sandwiches are awful. The bread is reminiscent of styrofoam and the bologna is rough around the edges. Also they need ventilation… the stale air makes your hair greasy. And the staff is so disgruntled.

Says Yelper Paul K.:

I didn’t try the food, but the single serving cereal boxes make for an acceptable pillow. Third star is for not strip searching me.

But really, Yelper David C. succinctly sums it up: “If you’re here, you’re probably not gonna like it.”