“The Bachelor” Recap: A Record Is Broken, Someone Takes A Tumble & Sean Is Basically The Best “Bachelor” Ever

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"The Bachelor" Recap!

Has there ever been a more perfectly blonde and tan example of why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover? I admit, I came into this season of “The Bachelor” knowing little about Sean Lowe, but was pretty dismissive of him based on the fact that he’s such an Aryan Ken Doll. I assumed he must be shallow and vaguely dumb and just looking for a woman he could keep barefoot and pregnant at home. I am quickly starting to realize, however, that I was very wrong about him. Sean may just be the deepest, most authentic “Bachelor” in the show’s history. Let the recapping commence!

Lesley, the blonde political consultant from D.C., gets the first one-on-one date with Sean this week and he takes her to the Guinness World Record Museum in Hollywood. Apparently his father broke a world record a few years ago — for driving through all 48 states in record time or something — and Sean wants to follow in his lead … by engaging in the longest televised kiss with Lesley. Here’s the thing: I think we can all agree that making out for over three minutes with someone you’re hot for isn’t all that hard — what is hard is not disconnecting your lips at all. I mean, I’ve had a few epic five hour makeout sessions, but those always included moments of pulling away, teasing, kissing necks, whatever, you know? So actually LIP-LOCKING for three minutes sounds a lot more complicated that you might initially think. Luckily, Lesley and Sean had stamina and serious boners for each other, and complete the task at hand — and then some. After scoring their Guinness World Record, the two snuggle on the couch and it’s clear that Sean is really into Lesley’s dry sense of humor and obvious intelligence, and she scores a rose, securing her place in the lion’s den for another week. Lesley is one of my original picks for the final four and I remain confident she’ll get that far, if not farther.

This week’s group date is a volleyball match on the beach between two teams of women — the losing team will be sent home after the game, while the winning team gets to spend the rest of the evening with Sean, scoring that oh-so-valuable alonnnnnne time. The game itself is pretty boring, and the losing team — including Taryn (a boring blonde), Kristy (one of the models with the toothy grin) and the other Lesley — are all sobbing messes after they’re defeated by one point. Oh wellz! The winning team — including Tiny Teeth Dez, Creepy Amanda, Lindsay and Kacie — is stoked.

During the evening portion of their date, each woman grapples for alone time with Bachelor Bronze. Lindsay continues to improve upon the strange first impression she left in episode one, when she stepped out of the limo in a wedding gown. I’m still not really sold on her, because she seems to be working overtime to prove that she really is a serious person and a smart person and a family-oriented person, or whatever, but I sort of get the impression she’s trying to be what she thinks Sean wants and I’m not sure we’re seeing the authentic her. Still, she’s smart enough to stay out of the drama sparking between Amanda and Des, who are engaged in a passive aggressive, but fairly harmless, game for Sean’s attention.

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Kacie, however, has not learned a good goddamn thing since appearing on “The Bachelor” the first time around, when every girl who trash talked Courtney to Ben ended up going home. No, Kacie sees the competition between Des and Amanda as something that will turn Sean off to them, and on to her, so she tattletales. And it bites her in the ass big time. Sean is unmoved by her solemn claim to be “caught” in the middle between Des and Amanda, and is far more convinced that she’s actually inserted herself in the middle and is the one bringing the drama by telling him in the first place. The whole conversation is seriously awkward, and at the end of the group date, Sean gives his rose to Lindsay. Now Kacie is the bawling mess.

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The second one-on-one date has been bestowed upon AshLee, another one of my picks for the top four. She’s all ready for her date with Sean when a sudden thump has everyone panicked. Tierra — who got the first impression rose the second she got out of her limo on night one and has been a total annoyance ever since — has fallen down the stairs and bumped her head! She’s unresponsive! Sean shows up and his attention is immediately focused on her rather than leaving for his date with AshLee — he’s a gentleman after all. But once the paramedics are called and Tierra is forced to put on a neck brace, suddenly our clumsy damsel in distress is all better. She doesn’t want to go to the hospital! She’s fine! Leave her alone! Sean thinks she’s just embarrassed, but the other women are suspicious that she was just faking being hurt so she could have Sean’s attention and that she came back to life the minute she realized going to the hospital would expose her little act. Personally, I think she fell and then acted like a big baby about it for attention. She’s rapidly becoming the worst.

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Patient AshLee finally goes on her date with Sean, which includes a trip to the amusement park. But they’re not alone! Sean invites along two young ladies who both have chronic illnesses. They’ve became friends online but have never met, and because Sean is big into charity work and giving back, he wanted to make their dream of meeting in real life come true. AshLee is a fantastic sport about it, which really impresses Sean. Later on, when they get their alone time, AshLee opens up about her past — she was adopted as a child and hopes to one day adopt an older child as well, since most parents who adopt tend to go for children under the age of two. Sean says he has the same dream, because he is fucking perfect, I swear, and AshLee is surprised and happy. Sean is clearly moved by AshLee’s story and how strong a woman she has become because of it, and gives her a rose at the end of their date. Yay, AshLee!

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It’s cocktail party time! Sean has some big decisions to make and wants to spend alone time with some of the woman he hasn’t seen yet this week, including One-Armed Sarah. And Sean, because he is the motherfucking best, has a special surprise for her — he’s brought her dog Leo to the house to play for the evening! Dude, I was already loving Sean so hard, but as a dog lover, this — this!!!! — made me just die for him.

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It’s rose ceremony time! But just as he’s about to give out the first rose, Sean stops himself and asks Kacie if he can talk to her. They walk outside of the room and Sean brings the rose with him, which has the other women tittering about what he’s up to. As it turns out, Sean doesn’t want to put Kacie through another rose ceremony, that he has too much respect for her as a friend to lead her on for even a second longer — he likes her a lot as a person and was excited to give her a shot when she came on the show wanting to explore a romantic relationship, but he’s realized he doesn’t see her in that way. Sean sends Kacie packing in the kindest way possible, earning even more of my respect. I wonder if Kacie might have lasted another week, though, if she hadn’t behaved like such a devious child about the whole Des/Amanda “feud”?

After Kacie leaves, Sean begins the rose ceremony for real. AshLee, Lesley M and Lindsay already have roses and are safe, and the remaining roses go to AmandaCatherineDaniellaDesJackieLeslie HRobynSarahSelma and Tierra. Kristy and Taryn are sent home, shocking no one.

On another note, I am pretty sure this is the longest any Black woman, let alone two – Robyn and Leslie — has lasted on this show. And if either of them makes it to the final four, but doesn’t win, we might actually see the first black “Bachelorette” next season.

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